by Elissa Habinsky, M.A., M.S.
I hate being late. I have always believed that my being late was inconsiderate to others. Similarly, I viewed other people being late as devaluing my time. You can therefore imagine how this would play out. If I was late, due to unforeseen traffic delays or other predicaments out of my control, I would demand that I not be late. I would tell myself, “You must not be late, and if you are, you are being inconsiderate to your friends, coworkers or family members”. As a result, I would feel anxious, frantically text the person I was meeting apologizing for my lateness, and then ruminate about how rude I was being. When other people were late, I would likewise demand that they not be late, and ask myself, “What is wrong with him/her?”, “Why can’t this person manage their time more effectively?” These beliefs would ultimately result in my feeling angry, and in my putting the other person down.
However, when you think about it, my beliefs are not rational. Many things, especially subway delays and midtown traffic are completely out of one’s control. Even if you leave yourself ample time, you may find yourself occasionally arriving late to an engagement. Does this therefore mean that you are an inconsiderate, terrible person? Of course not! It also makes little sense to demand that you not be late. Such a demand is equivalent to standing outside before a rainstorm and demanding that it not rain. You have no control over the weather. Thus, demanding it not rain is futile.
So what can you think and do when you find yourself in situations out of your control? For example, situations where you may be running late to a meeting. One thing you can do, is acknowledge your situation as being something you cannot control. Accepting your being late is more adaptive than demanding that you not be late. Next, you can let people know that you are running late and then use your time more efficiently. Instead of ruminating, you could catch up on your emails, read a newspaper, or listen to a podcast.
Although we cannot eliminate lateness completely, we can learn to manage our emotions and behaviors regarding being late more effectively.
