by Kristen Tobias, M.A.
I’d like to re-tell a biographical story about Dr. Ellis. It starts in the Bronx Botanical Gardens…
During his early adolescence, Dr. Ellis spent much time reading books in this beautiful outdoor space. Sitting alone on park benches, he would notice females from afar and agonize about approaching them. To his great dismay, he never approached any of them! Turns out, Dr. Ellis experienced crippling social anxiety in the romantic realm. He feared rejection by females that he was interested in pursuing and had insight into the limitations this fear imposed on him. So…what’s a guy who fears rejection to do?
From a young age, Dr. Ellis read a great deal of philosophy and psychology. The ideas of rational self-talk and exposure to feared circumstances resonated with him. During the month of August before his senior year of college, Dr. Ellis set out to overcome his social anxiety. The task — visits to the Botanical Gardens where he would set out to approach females! Young, old, tall, short, all of them! No matter how anxious he was feeling, he would make himself talk to females in the garden.
This farcical task set him up to be looked at like he head 100 heads! The garden is a respite from city life and not the ideal pick-up scene. In other words, this is not typically the place where individuals come to when they want to socialize with romantic partners. But, that was the whole point! Face your fears head-on and deal with the consequences. And hopefully…get a date!
Dr. Ellis approached 130 women that summer! About 30 of them walked away at contact! He spoke in varied lengths to the remaining 100 about a number of diverse topics. Of the ones he spoke to, only one agreed to go out with him and she never showed up to their date! However, Dr. Ellis was freed from his crippling social anxiety. He experienced his feared consequence firsthand, which enabled him to realize that it wasn’t really awful. In fact, this experiment resulted in some very enjoyable conversations!
This story represents a technique that is now termed exposure therapy. It entailed the active confrontation of a feared consequence. His anxiety started very high (i.e., included palpitations, sweating, etc.) and he continued the exercise over that summer month until he was able to talk to a female without any anxiety. Is your life restricted by fear? What situation can you work on confronting to better your life? Create your own experiment to get rid of anxiety!
Suggested Reading: How to Control Your Anxiety Before it Controls You, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
