by Deniz Sidali, M.A.

At around 1 ½ years of age, we start to babble as infants. At around 2 years of age, we start to form basic words and learn how to say “No” to exert control over our surroundings. The beauty in the innocence of children lies in the fact that once they start to talk, very little is censored and their direct honesty is quite humorous as well as refreshing. I often feel that as adults we can learn a lot about how to communicate from children in terms of expressing curiosity, being honest, direct and genuine. But unfortunately, for whatever reasons, as adults we sometimes suppress our speech, internalize our thoughts and feelings, excessively self-monitor ourselves due to low self-worth, fear of criticism, or social anxiety.  As a child, I recall a friend of my parents who was a psychiatrist relaying a witty story:

A man goes to see his therapist, and discusses his marital problems with his wife. The therapist asks the client what specifically is wrong in their marriage. The client complains to the therapist that his wife always cooks him pot roast for dinner and he doesn’t like it. The next day, the man’s wife comes to see the therapist and says “Doctor I need to speak with you about my husband”. The doctor replies, “What can I help you with?” The wife proceeds to complain, “My husband likes to eat pot roast every night and I am sick to death that I have to prepare the same meal each night”.

It would ironically appear that both the husband and his wife have limited communication with one another over a very simple matter (i.e., what to eat or cook for dinner). But, they both had little difficulty communicating their frustration to the therapist. The moral of the story is that many problems result from a failure to communicate properly and effectively. Whether you are in a committed relationship or have differences with a friend or co-worker, we as people are sometimes afraid or reluctant to communicate our wants, views or what is bothering us directly with others. Instead, we may sulk, respond in a passive-aggressive manner, complain to our friends, or even repeatedly think about what is bothering us until it results in more intense unhealthy emotions (i.e., anger, guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, etc). These unhealthy negative emotions can be directed at the other person, ourselves, or the situation. One of the signs of a healthy relationship with others involves being able to talk openly, telling others what is bothering us, negotiating what we are and aren’t willing to do, and trying to find a resolution in the least stressful manner as possible.

Sometimes clients come in to sessions looking for the practical solution, such as “Don’t you think I am right and my significant other is wrong”.  Well, it all depends on whether you want to be perceived as being right or whether you want to express how you feel to the other person and in turn you want them to understand how you think and feel.  Sometimes we have an inner dialogue with ourselves and remain silent so that we can still believe (irrationally or rationally) that we are right, we’re treated unfairly, and that the other person or situation is to blame. What if there isn’t anyone to blame?  Perhaps the other person doesn’t know or fully understand how you think or feel?  A healthy way to communicate your thoughts and feelings is to do so once you are in a calm state and have had time to contemplate how the listener may receive what you will tell them.  So you might want to count to ten and ask yourself, is it necessary, is it hurtful, what will I seek to gain?

Now sometimes we may communicate to others how we feel, think, or what we want and we still may come up with a different outcome than expected. We can merely try our best at communicating what we want and sometimes we may have to repeat ourselves (i.e., the broken record technique), revise our expectations, or find a way to accept the situation, life or the other person without liking it.  After managing expectations, maybe practicing what you want to state using concise, clear bullet sentences and practicing what you want to say on a friend can help hone your self-expression skills by gaining confidence and feedback. So maybe talking it out isn’t such a bad thing after all.

Deniz Sidali, M.A.