Once you learn REBT theory and begin to practice it, recognizing others’ irrational beliefs seems almost unavoidable. They’re everywhere!
Case in point: My friend is disturbing herself about her mother-in-law’s treatment and shoulding all over herself. So I, of course, ask, “Well why shouldn’t she come in to your house like she owns it and then tell you that you should learn to cook for her son?” Dead silence, and then my friend says, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Ouch! Maybe I should have just listened and validated my friend’s emotions instead?
But herein lies the dilemma; the more I practice REBT, the harder it is to turn it off. With clients, I first try to help them understand how holding their irrational belief is causing them distress. I then mix my challenging with the right amount of empathy and validation, as I do not want to rupture the alliance or seem callous. But what about with my friends and loved ones? Should I do the same thing? Sometimes their irrational beliefs are so glaringly obvious, and it would be nice to ease their suffering!
So when do I challenge, and when do I not? When am I a therapist, and when am I a friend?
I guess the answer is I am always both. So now what?
- Accept it. Accept that I am both, and that I cannot always “turn it off.” After all, I went into this field because I want to help free people from the prison that their minds can become, so is it not a good thing if I can help ease my friends’ suffering sometimes too?
- Be mindful and ask myself questions. Is it just that I like to help my friends, or if I need to help them? Do I not like to see them suffering, or am I telling myself that I can’t stand it?
By asking myself these questions, I can evaluate whether I am holding any irrational beliefs related to helping my friends. In turn, I can then choose to help without feeling distressed or obligated to do it.
And when it comes to helping my friend, from now on, I will only be actively listening and validating her when she talks about her mother-in-law!
