By Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
Everyday we are asked to make choices. In fact, we find ourselves making choices many times throughout the day. Some of these choices may be as simple as what to eat for breakfast. Although, more often than not we find ourselves making choices that may impact us more greatly than the type of breakfast cereal we will have with our coffee. Sometimes, we even make choices without realizing that we have a say in the matter.
One choice that many people don’t realize they are making is the choice regarding how to feel about specific situations and events. When a person cuts in front of you at the checkout counter many of our initial responses may be to become angry and yell at the individual, others may become frustrated and assertively ask the other person to go back to their spot on the line, or some of us may be annoyed but would rather avoid confrontation than pay first. Each of these individuals make a choice about not only how they would like to feel about the situation, but also how they are going to respond.
Since we have the power of deciding our emotional and behavioral fate, why do we then find ourselves in destructive patterns? Why is it that some of us may always choose anger over frustration or anxiety over concern? It can often be helpful to answer these questions with another question. What is stopping me from choosing differently? When we can begin recognizing what is blocking us from making changes, it opens up the possibility to make different choices. An examination of one’s self-talk will immediately answer this question. By acknowledging how our thinking directly impacts our feeling and behaving, we have a mechanism for making our choices a reality.
For instance, if one’s immediate reaction to the question “What is stopping me from changing my maladaptive pattern of responding” is, I cannot feel or act differently in these situations, this is our first indication of faulty logic. As humans we can always do something and doing something is better than doing nothing. If you think I do not want to feel or act differently then that too is your choice, but perhaps you want to consider how beneficial this belief may be.
As I said earlier, while we have the ability to choose our emotions and beliefs, not all choices carry equal weight. We always have the option to not change, but this choice may impede us from moving forward and achieving our goals. Accepting what is not in our control and making choices aligned with our goals is not always the easiest work, but it puts us on a path toward healthy change. Next time you are presented with the multiple choice test of emotional responding, remember it is not a trick question, and you have the ability to choose the best response for you.