By Josh Dredze, Psy.D.

I recently had the opportunity to take an extended vacation. I used the time to go away and see friends and family. I was excited for my chance to spend time away from work and connect with people I don’t usually see. In preparation, I made my site seeing lists and started contacting friends. Then there was the packing. Going away for almost 2 weeks required a little more planning than I was used to for my typical vacations. I felt prepared and set for my time off.

 

My trip began as I anticipated. I spent my first couple days seeing sites and people. But then, as I checked my to-do lists, I noticed I was not making headway. I saw a friend on Monday and visited a museum on Tuesday, but I had so much more I wanted to do. Despite my being conscientious and planning ahead, I simply was not going to be able to see everyone and do all the activities I had hoped for.

 

This stressor was an excellent trigger for my irrational thoughts. “My vacation is going to be a failure.” “I took all this time off, and I’m not going to be able to take advantage of it.” I know feeling unaccomplished and like I didn’t do enough are ripe grounds for my irrational thinking. Debating my thoughts felt hard, but I knew I was being irrational.

 

In debating, my first realization was the irony of my irrationality. I took a vacation and decided to go away to reduce stress. Now, instead of enjoying the time without responsibilities or deadlines, I was using it to create, what Dr. Ellis called, ‘demands’ on myself. “I must see X number of people. I must accomplish X leisurely activities.” How leisurely are activities which we demand on ourselves? I think this style of belief is conditioned in our focus on achievement and careers and can be especially susceptible in New York City – it is the city that never sleeps, after all. A perennial mindset of I ‘must’ accomplish X, Y, and Z is doomed to fail.

 

It was at this time that I attempted to shift my mindset from demandingness to preference. “I’d really like to go to this beach or see that friend, but there is no reason I HAVE to.” “It would be nice if I got to learn more about this city, but there is no reason I MUST.” Instead of ‘having’ to do activities, I preferred them. My goals shifted from needing to complete ‘vacation tasks’ to having a good time.

 

While this mindset is easier on vacation, I think we can apply it to our day-to-day lives. Granted, we do have tasks in our lives, which include deadlines and assignments. That said, do we ‘have’ to accomplish each one? Do we always assess our happiness based on how many we accomplished? Moving toward an REBT perspective of preference over demandingness will go a long way toward reducing our daily stress. In this way, we can free ourselves from a mindset of what we ‘must do’ to instead embracing ‘opportunities’ of what we can experience.

Josh Dredze, Psy.D.