by Kristen Tobias, M.A.
I refer to infidelity to mean engagement in a behavior with another person that violates an overt or covert romantic agreement between two adults existing in a free environment. My definition of infidelity, like all others, is somewhat nebulous. What defines a behavior? How do couples navigate this understanding of their arrangement? Are boundaries discussed once and set in stone? Is covert understanding of fidelity anchored to the self or other? Violation of a relationship norm can happen in the context of a monogamous, “monagamish”, or non-monogamous relationship. Research on this topic has been hampered by imprecise and inconsistent definitions of fidelity and infidelity.
Infidelity is cited as one of the primary reasons that couples seek therapy. Although both individuals and couples come to therapists with this thorny issue, research to guide treatment is limited. The REBT perspective fortuitously addresses many of the themes that are likely associated with emotional disturbance secondary to infidelity. I now offer some initial thoughts on disputing widespread beliefs about infidelity.
Cheating should not happen. Why should cheating not happen? Just because we might say cheating should not happen, does it mean that it won’t happen? Why does a relationship have to be this way, just because we want it to be? Just because a faithful partner is desirable to many people, it does not logically follow that our partner must provide this loyalty to us. In fact, empirical data suggests that cheating does happen…and not infrequently. If we demand that cheating not happen, does this change the reality that cheating does happen? When we think that cheating should not happen and it does happen, how does that thinking work us? Does it help us to navigate a challenging situation or does it impede our efforts to move forward?
People who cheat are bad. What do we mean by the word bad? Is the person bad under all circumstances from the point they cheated until they die? How is it consistent to say that they were not bad before they cheated but now they are? How can one behavior change a person’s fundamental worth as a human being? Let’s be scientists, what do the data show? Is the person a bad mother? Father? Friend? Daughter? Son? Or asked another way, if the person cheated do they have value for any others in the world? When we think that the person that we chose to be with at one time is bad, how does that make us feel? Is that belief helping us?
Being cheated on is awful. What do we mean by awful? Can our reality not get any worse than being cheated on? Can we be happy even if our partner cheats? How does it help us to claim that being cheated on is awful? Can we list all the ways in which this belief is helpful or hurtful?
A relationship cannot withstand unfaithfulness. We might prefer that our partner not cheat, but does it logically follow that we cannot stand it? Where is the evidence that a relationship is easy? What is the most difficult adversity that you have survived in your relationship? How did you get through this event? Is it worth it to withstand the emotional distress of working through an affair? How does it help us to say we can’t stand a part of our relationship? Does this belief put us in the best position to make a decision of whether to stay with or leave a partner?
Next up…Effective New Beliefs About Infidelity.
