William R. Taboas, M.A.

We all complain. Grumbling, criticizing and whining are all common behaviors we engage in on our day to day activities. But do you ever wonder if you complain too much? Has anyone said that you’re a total bummer, or maybe that you’re way too critical or judgmental? Are people avoiding you or tuning out when you complain? Is it getting in the way of school or work? More importantly: Is complaining getting in the way of you carrying on the things that you need to do? If so, maybe your complaining is not as effective as you hoped, and these are signs that you’re complaining needs some adjustment.

Emotions that typically accompany complaining behavior, such as anger, stress, or sadness, are meant to do one thing: alert us that something needs changing. If these emotions are signaling that someone else should be doing their job, or that our family members are being critical, are we going about an effective way of changing it by complaining effectively or ineffectively? Ineffective complaining is critical, as opposed to effective complaining, such as constructive criticism, which will get you gains instead of losses. Ineffective complaining is impatient and demands immediate change, even if change is short-lived. Effective complaining takes in consideration that change may take some time, and when it happens, it is long-lasting. The mindset of an effective complainer also takes into account that our family members, friends, or coworkers may never change their personalities, and landing a flawless work or living environment is unattainable and unreasonable. So is it easier to change people and environments or our attitudes about them? Effective complaining takes some belief and attitude adjustment.

To figure out how to be an effective complainer, we have to reflect on what we our telling ourselves that is making ourselves feel disturbed and upset, which is driving the need to complain in the first place. In REBT we emphasize teaching the distinction between functional and dysfunctional emotions and behavior. Dysfunctional refers to something that drives away from what we wish to change, and functionality is, in contrast, more effective ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, to reaching our desired goals. We figure out the purpose of the emotion and behavior by asking ourselves:

    A) What is it that my emotion is signaling that needs changing and what am I attempting to change with the behavior?

    B) How am I going about changing it? Is it reasonable and effective?

    C) What would be a rational and reasonable way to complain versus what would be an irrational or unreasonable way to complain?

    D) Am I practicing according to my conviction to change what I want to change in a practical and effective way, or are my practices stalling change?

Venting to others or complaining for complaining sake can be a double-edged sword. If something needs changing, we can do this in a manner that will lead to change, in a manner that will lead to zero-net-gains, or in a manner that will get you the opposite results. While it might make us feel like we are letting a load off when we vent, when we dump negativity onto something else (e.g., a person, a job, our relationships) without recognizing what needs to change in the first place, we perpetuate a cycle of no-net gains.

True, some people will give helpful advice and others will console, but then again, others will withdraw if complaining behavior becomes chronic. It all depends on the manner and frequency which you communicate your complaint. In other occasions, if you just want to vent, leave it at venting. Prevent escalation to harsh criticism of self and/or others. For any case, remind yourself of the what you want to accomplish and the effective and reasonable how.

Practice and reflect on these steps. Once you got them down, I’ll suggest the ultimate test: limit and possibly eliminate complaining behavior (to self and others) for a couple of days. Challenge yourself to make changes without protesting, grumbling, criticizing, whining, nitpicking, nagging, etc., for a day or two.

As I always tell clients, friends, and colleagues: Test it out, see what happens. You might surprise yourself!