by William R. Taboas, MA

“People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and that they’d much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection.”   – Albert Ellis

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a topic that resonated with people: having a Fear of Failure. The pervasive message that many of our cultures promulgate is one that failure must be avoided at all costs, making it difficult not to internalize the message that we are not our failures. But the consequences of not learning how to fail can in some instances be more problematic than failure itself. The same concept can be applied to being rejected by other people.

A similar and equally powerful fear is a fear of rejection. According to Paul Hauck (1974), the two most common fears that people have are a fear of failure and a fear of rejection. While cultures tend to promote the message of failure as unwanted, our social instincts tend to drive our need for affiliation and behaviors that protect us from being ostracized from the tribe. However, having an irrational and inflexible need/must/should that others must NOT reject us can be equally as problematic as not learning how to fail. We behave in self-defeating ways by becoming either too nice or acquiescent in one extreme, or too defensive, aggressive, or nasty to others in the other extreme, where both extremes drive people away.

As you can imagine, a habitual fear of rejection (or by the converse, need for approval) is associated with social anxiety, anger, depression, shame, embarrassment, guilt…you name it. So how can you give up your need for approval and do something about your fear of rejection? Dr. Ellis suggested challenging our need that others “MUST not reject me” and challenging the notion that “My worth as a person rests on my being approved!” By having the preference to not be rejected, instead of rigidly demanding it, we can still work on our social difficulties and concerns. The other piece is “awfulizing” that our friends/partners/bosses lack of approval or agreement is a sign of impending doom, and that it would be terrible that they will never accept us ever again. It might be bad yes, but you can choose to see it as awful and feel disturbed about being rejected, or as unfortunate and disappointing while still healthily carrying on with your life.

Finally, Ellis’ famous shame attack plays a role in getting over our fear of rejection. Go out, do or say something stupid (hopefully not dangerous or illegal) and get rejected! How many times can you get rejected to develop some tolerance for rejection? When I started training at the Albert Ellis Institute, the Rejection Game was discussed in a National Public Radio (NPR) piece. They have great suggestions on how to get rejected. So, go ahead and practice letting go of your need for approval.

Oh, and remember, have fun and don’t forget to laugh!

William Taboas, M.A.