William R. Taboas, MA

Facing discomfort, meeting deadlines, following through with commitments, addressing an issue with a co-worker, family member, or friend, are all part of daily living. Yet, we engage in procrastination, we put things off, we dodge, we flake out…we avoid. We walk away, steer from our obligations, needs, and goals, mostly because of fear and the potential stress it might cause. This is what I call “Finding Away”, perpetuating the cycle of walking away and finding comfort in avoidance.

When do you find TRUE relief: when you confront the fear and deal with the problem? Or when you kick the can down the road? The problem is that the avoidance of stress and temporary fear of emotional pain makes the stress and fear of potential discomfort last longer and spread to other areas in your life. In contrast, enduring temporary pain, no matter how bad the discomfort, while confronting the avoided situation, is more beneficial as “It too shall pass!”.

This is what it boils down to: Confronting your fears! Confronting your pain! Confronting your discomfort!

Using the ABCDE’s of REBT, here’s the formula for facing your fears of emotional pain and discomfort in order to “Find A Way”:

    1. Name the event and Identify the emotion that it arouses.
    2. Identify the irrational and rational beliefs associated with the emotion.
    3. Dispute the irrational beliefs, while acknowledging and accepting the rational beliefs.
    4. Develop a rational statement with a functional belief to confront the problem.
    5. Use your new belief to follow through and endure the TEMPORARY discomfort.
    6. Reflect on what you have learned from confronting your fear.
    7. Reward yourself for following through, regardless of outcome. You made the effort, you deserve to praise yourself.

To illustrate, here are examples of irrational beliefs associated with discomfort avoidance, along with examples of more helpful rational statements or beliefs:

    1. We DEMAND no discomfort.
    ○ Dispute: Where is it written that we are entitled to ease in life?
    ○ Effective Rational Statement: While I wish things were easy and I didn’t need to go through with it, enduring momentary discomfort is necessary for personal growth and reaching my goals.

    2. The FRUSTRATION of enduring discomfort is INTOLERABLE.
    ○ Dispute: How is it helping me to avoid? Avoiding is actually prolonging the discomfort! I have actually been enduring more discomfort by avoiding.
    ○ Effective Rational Statement: If I can endure prolonged discomfort, I can endure the temporary discomfort of confronting what I fear to do.

    3. If I face my avoided situation and go through with it, the outcome WILL BE AWFUL and CATASTROPHIC.
    ○ Dispute: When other people confront a similar fear, do they survive? Is my situation that radically different from theirs? I have gone thorough great difficulties in the past and survived!
    ○ Effective Rational Statement: I will probably survive facing my fear, just like everyone else before me, and just like I have done in other situations.

    4. If I cannot tolerate discomfort, I AM A PERSON UNWORTHY of what I desire.
    ○ Dispute: Dwelling on my flaws won’t get me to solve the problem I’m avoiding. There isn’t a single human being in this world that is infallible and perfect who will say that he or she enjoys discomfort.
    ○ Effective Rational Statement: I don’t have to enjoy discomfort to deserve what I want and be a person worthy of my desires.

After practicing your REBT ABCDE’s, you might end up with statements of your own that may sound like a mantra that you can repeat while approaching, and not avoiding, your desired goal.
Here’s mine: “Always move towards your fear. Find a way. Never away.” Now go and make your own!