by Shannon O’Neill, M.A.
Imagine the rules you use to navigate the world around you. What are some characteristics that make up these rules? Are they based on emotion or logic? Are they rigid or flexible? Do the rules apply to you alone or are they generalizable to the rest of the world? I ask because individuals not only disturb themselves when they generate irrational rules/beliefs, but also when they continue to alter the rules they voluntarily put in place.
Individuals who struggle with unconditional self-acceptance and/or demand personal perfection with low frustration tolerance frequently possess contradictory standards. That is, the rules one holds for their own life have limited room for error compared to the rules held for everyone else around them. For example, when prior evidence supports success and refutes one’s irrational beliefs it is common to alter the thoughts by saying, “Yes, I have succeeded in the past, but that doesn’t count” or “This time it’s different!” Furthermore, individuals often include and exclude evidence as they see fit. If failure occurs, they quickly generate a negative global label but when they succeed it’s discredited. As you can see, we frequently devalue ourselves even when evidence suggests we can think, feel, and behave otherwise.
An individual’s fluctuation of rules can be challenged with the help of elegant or inelegant solutions. The elegant solution would do away with the rules all together, suggesting no external success or failure generates worth for a human being. However, let’s take the inelegant route and imagine the rules one creates are rational and should be followed. If this were the case, when will the prior evidence be enough for one to be satisfied? We know these rules are unrealistic expectations rather than rational facts, as creating and shifting rules generates suffering and prevents one from experiencing happiness alongside their achievement. Therefore, there is no merit for one’s irrational rules, only distress. Is today the day you finally throw out the dysfunctional rules that fuel your own unhappiness? This takes us back to the original elegant solution, suggesting we have value regardless of the rules we make for ourselves. We are truly worthwhile because we are alive and breathing.
