by Megan Sy, M.A., M.S.
In a recent This American Life broadcast, they featured several individuals with hyperthymesia or HSAM (highly superior autobiographical memory). People with HSAM have such strong memory abilities that they can remember minute details of their lives for decades. One man could remember the day of the week, the weather conditions, what he ate, and what was on TV for any given date for the last 20 years. Amazing! Well, it turns out that the downside of having excellent memory is that these individuals have difficulty moving on when something goes wrong or when someone hurts them. One woman was still upset at her mother for something that happened nearly 50 years ago. Their point was – how can they forgive when they remember the events so vividly?
As someone whose memory is significantly more unreliable, I still share in their dilemma. It’s easy for me to replay a negative event (although likely with less detail) and remain angry, hurt, or ashamed. But the notion that forgetting is a corequisite of forgiving is a misconception. Forgiving and moving on does not mean we are erasing the fact that the event occurred, or that we condone an act, or even that we are reconciling with the person who has hurt us. In fact, the act of forgiveness might be more about freeing ourselves of resentment and choosing more healthy negative emotions. Albert Ellis once wrote, “To err is human; to forgive is to be sane and realistic.” We may not be able to forget each transgression, but we also need not disturb ourselves over them.
