by Brianna Cheney, M.A.
Lately, many of my young adult friends have discussed struggling with guilt around family obligations. As their parents age and develop health-related issues, they are faced with the novel challenge of balancing their own lives and fulfilling the needs of their parents. This can be particularly challenging for people who live long distances away from their family, as the logistical and financial toll of traveling to their parents is even more significant.
When we feel guilty in these situations, we may be prone to over-extending ourselves in helping family and to condemning ourselves for not helping out more. The guilt-producing thoughts often consist of rigid demands that we place on ourselves (“I should be going home ___ times per month to make sure my mother is okay”) followed by self-condemnation when we do not meet these demands (“I’ve been a terrible daughter lately!”). If we were to use REBT to replace these thoughts, we would acknowledge our preferences to help our parents a certain amount, without rigidly demanding that we do so. And when we fall short of the ideal, we would definitely steer clear of reducing our worth based on whether or not we helped out in a certain way.
At the end of the day, guilt and self-condemnation does not help us to care for our parents better. In fact, if we can overcome these irrational thoughts and the consequent unhealthy guilt, we may be better able to strike a healthy balance between self-care and parent-care and we may even have more emotional energy to allocate to our loved ones!
