by Mark Schiffman, M.S.
Last week I was trying to get my daughter to get into her bed, and believe it or not, she wasn’t listening to me. After a few minutes of back and forth, I let slip in a stern tone, “You are starting to get me angry!” Then my internal dialogue began.
Rational Self (RS): “Is she really getting you angry? Haven’t you learned anything from REBT? She isn’t getting you angry – you are getting yourself angry!”
Irrational Self (IS): “But she should be listening to me! I am her father!”
RS: “It would be nice if she listened to you, but is it written in stone that she has to listen to you?”
IS: “Yes! It is one of the Ten Commandments – Honor Thy Father and Mother! It is literally written in stone!”
RS: “Touché – BUT she is three years old. Does she even know what the Ten Commandments are?”
IS: “I guess not.”
RS: “AND, let’s say she was fifteen and knew that it is the right thing to listen to you, does she HAVE to? Does she not have free will to choose not to?”
IS: “I guess she would have free will and could choose not to listen to me.”
RS: “And in fact, I think we have evidence spanning human history that believe it or not, children often do not listen to their parents.”
IS: “I guess that is true also. But I really want her to go to bed already!”
RS: “Me too. I’m tired also. After all, we share a brain. But is getting angry really convincing her to get into bed? If anything, it is just making us more drained. So what can you say to yourself during this situation to feel frustrated but not angry?”
IS: “I remember this one from the workshop! How about – ‘It would be really nice if my daughter listened to me and got into bed the first time I asked her to, but she doesn’t HAVE to listen to me.’”
RS: “And look at that, during this lengthy internal dialogue, she actually fell asleep on her own. Now I can finally write that blog post for the Ellis Institute.”
One of the hardest relationships to apply REBT theory is with our own children. We invest so much into them that we expect in return that they actually listen to what we have to say. But they don’t have to and they don’t in practice. They do not get us angry when they don’t listen; we get ourselves angry. It doesn’t help us when we get angry, and more often than not, it doesn’t help them either. Before regular routines that we know are ripe for anger, we would be smart to rehearse the rational statement – ‘It would be really nice if my child listened to me and did what I asked, but she doesn’t HAVE to listen to me.’”
