by Jennifer Shindman, M.S.
A few months ago during one of our clinical seminars, we discussed anger. Some of the topics included what individuals may gain by holding onto their anger, what maintains it, and how dysfunctional it can potentially be. I was particularly interested in what there was to gain from anger because the way I understood it, being angry with someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, as the famous saying goes.
However, when taking a closer look, it appears there is much to be gained; that is, if the poison has not killed you yet. Angry behavior, many times, can be reinforcing. To illustrate this example, think about the following scenarios: 1) angry person behaves aggressively and uses force to get what he wants 2) angry child screams until his caretaker gives in and buys the toy 3) angry consumer will not accept “no” for an answer and talks the salesperson into submission. In the past, I have had a number of receptionist jobs, and one thing was consistent; the louder the consumer yelled, the faster he got what he wanted. But what if I told you that you did not need the anger to get your wants and needs met? So put that poison down and listen up. Think about the last time you were in an argument with someone; under what conditions were you more likely to hear the message they were trying to get across, in the screaming-offensive message, or the firm-assertive message? Think about movies that you have seen. Which villain is scarier? Is it the one that screams and yells that he is going to harm everyone, or is it the calm slow walking villain that calmly says, “I am going to harm every person in this room?” Thus, since it is possible (and often more likely) that you will get what you want without anger fueling you, maybe it is time to start working towards restructuring some of those demands you are placing on other people.
Further, sometimes anger can serve as a “defense.” Let’s take an example. A man is very angry with his wife because she should come home on time and eat dinner with him. She shouldn’t be staring at her phone the entire time they are together. Of course, a therapist can use a number of disputes to challenge this demand, but what if the source of the anger is something potentially much more painful? If this man works to let go of his demand and subsequently his anger, what is he left with? Now, no longer blinded by anger, he is able to look at his marriage and come to another conclusion. 1) The marriage may not be working, 2) she may not be coming home because she does not want to eat with me, or 3) maybe she is looking at her phone all the time because she does not enjoy my company. Therefore, by holding onto his irrational demands about his wife’s behavior, he still has hope that things may change and does not have to face the fact that his marriage may be over or that his wife may not love him. Thus, addressing the possible “secondary gain” that maintains the anger may be difficult and may be met with resistance. Being the executioner of hope is no easy task and should be approached with care. We had better be careful in stripping away our clients’ (and our own) defenses without building anything to replace them.
