by Deniz Sidali, M.A. 

Practically every time I step outside my door, I encounter rude behavior in New York City – people texting while walking into me on the street, commuters with bad body odor on the subway coughing in my face without thinking to cover their mouths, patrons walking through doors that I hold open without a simple “thank you”, people in my neighborhood cutting me on the line at the bank – and the list goes on and on!  I am sure many readers living in our city, or any other crowded city can empathize having endured similar encounters with rude-behaving people.  I often feel frustrated, annoyed and ultimately angry after many such repeated encounters.  Before I can get past one rude encounter by telling myself, “Let it go”, I am confronted with another offender.  And this just continues throughout the day until I can no longer dismiss or challenge my negative automatic thoughts and irrational beliefs:  “These people should know better”, “They are rude and ill-mannered”, “They act like no one else lives in this city but themselves”, “I must tell them how I feel”, “Someone needs to put them in their place”, “This needs to stop now”,  “I can’t stand rudeness.”  Well, I know and understand that by repeating these types of negative statements to myself, I am ruminating which only serves to prolong and exacerbate my annoyance into anger.  Meanwhile these etiquette offenders have no clue as to what is going on while I stew and make myself unhealthily angry.

I know it would be in my best interest to let these rude encounters roll off my back like water rolls off a duck’s back. I am fully aware that just because I have a certain set of rules on social etiquette and behavior, there is no rule stating that rude people must follow my rules or standards.  I am perfectly fine using environmental control by adjusting when I ride the train on off peak times, or going to the bank when there are less customers so I minimize the potential for encounters with rude people.  And, lastly I can use RE&CBT to alter and challenge my unhelpful thoughts and beliefs.  I can also use assertiveness to simply tell some of these rude people some of the time that they are behaving inappropriately while monitoring my language.

Admittedly, I haven’t been practicing what I have just preached on a consistent basis, which herein may lay the problem.  In part, it feels good to dislike these people and their ill-mannered behaviors.  Ultimately and most importantly, I need to accept the very real possibility that these individuals will probably never change and that I will continue to have similar rude encounters for the remainder of my life. It is not to my benefit to continue to place demands on others who act rudely because it will only cause me to be stressed and unhealthily angry.  And this will continue to perpetuate a vicious cycle of reacting poorly towards these perpetrators of rude behavior.  On the other hand, I can reframe jokingly by saying, “This city is notorious for rude people and it’s like a tourist attraction” to lift my spirits.

Deniz Sidali, M.A.