by William Taboas, M.A.
There is a prevailing philosophy of life in westernized and post-industrial cultures that to “win” is to strive in life. Winning can mean a number of things; from winning a competition to getting a job, to getting enough money to buy what you want. But framing a life around winning implicitly frames life also around losing. You end up with a false dichotomy: I am either a winner or a loser.
There are several problems with this type of “black and white” thinking. According to REBT theory, it promotes emotional disturbance that is driven by rigid musturbation (i.e., “I must win!”), global evaluations of worth (e.g., I am a total loser if I don’t win), catastrophic thinking (e.g, “Not getting what I want is terrible!”) and frustration intolerance (e.g., “I can’t stand not winning”). We also get socially reinforced to believe that life is about winning or losing.
A more flexible approach is valued living, where we don’t engage in the arbitrary rules and goals imposed on us, but instead we choose to act on values that are in line with what we consider a life worth living. There are no winners, losers, or definitions of who people are. You are more than just a rule set – now go ahead and play.
