by Elissa Habinsky, M.A., M.S.
New Yorkers walk no matter what the weather is. We walk in the rain, the snow and the sleet. However, as the weather gets warmer, as it is doing so now, we stroll. Strolling rather than walking allows one to notice things that we may miss when walking since when we walk, we tend to do so quickly, and often are glancing at our phones or listening to music. Moreover, as I was strolling down the street the other day, I noticed several things that triggered me to become angry. I noticed cigarette butts and empty food wrappers littered my neighborhood block, and that individuals had neglected to clean up after their dogs. I thought to myself, “people should not do this”, “people should keep our city clean”, “what is wrong with people?”, and many other derivations that echoed this sentiment. As I repeated such thoughts in my head, I could feel myself getting angry.
While I understand REBT theory and its techniques, this situation was a difficult one for me because I truly believe that inhabitants of a city/community should do their best to take care of it, and that includes the simple act of throwing garbage in the garbage can. I think many people out there would also agree that in an ideal world, others would be considerate of shared space, and demonstrate a concerted effort to keep their neighborhood clean. However, the key phrase in that sentence is “ideal world”. Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world, and therefore even if we all agree on how we ought to behave, there will always be someone who does not adhere to our agreed upon standards. So what do we do in such situations?
First, I think it is important for us to hold on to our values, and to try our best to live up to them. However, it is not helpful for us to demand that others share in our values. I could have very easily remained angry for the rest of the day, and felt justified in doing so, but what good would that have done me or my neighbors? Instead, I reminded myself that we do not live in an ideal world, and that some people, as sad as it is, may not care about how their behaviors impact others. While this thought did not make me happy, it did not anger me either. Feeling less emotionally charged, I was able to go about my day and even consider ways in which I could express my grievances to those in my neighborhood who may effect change. Although I of course was not able to solve the large problem at hand, I was more productive than I would have been if I held on to my demands and anger.
