by William Taboas, M.A.
“When men are full of envy they disparage everything, whether it be good or bad.” -Tacitus
Envy is experienced when another person possesses and enjoys something desirable that you do not have. A material object, an accolade, achievement, a possession, recognition, you name it…when we desire something with strong enough conviction; we then tell ourselves that we MUST have it.
In the world of social media, envy is rampant. You, the reader, have probably disturbed yourself with irrational beliefs to the point of experiencing envy. You probably logged in to your [insert social network here] and looked at [insert name of person who possesses desired whatchamacallit]’s network profile, recognized that I do not have the *whatchamacallit*, and told yourself one, or a few of the following:
1) That you SHOULD/OUGHT/MUST have it;
2) You CANNOT STAND not having it;
3) That it would be TERRIBLE/AWFUL not to have it;
4) That you are NO GOOD for not having it, but most interestingly…
5) with envy comes the belief that the other person is UNDESERVING or NO GOOD for having the [watchamacallit]. Why can’t we be happy for the other person…sheesh!
One can only lessen the toxicity and the disturbance of envy by being aware of how envy is toxic within itself. Here are the Laws of Envy, adapted from Windy Dryden’s First Steps in Using REBT in Life Coaching (2011):
Law 1. You will verbally disparage and mentally denigrate the person who has the desired possession.
Law 2. You will verbally disparage and mentally denigrate the actual possession itself, and convince yourself that you are happy with your own possessions (even though you are not!).
Law 3. Given the opportunity, you will impede, spoil, or deprive the other person from having the desired possession.
Law 4. You will think about how to acquire the desired possession, regardless of its usefulness to you.
Law 5. You will ruminate about how unfair it is not to have the desired possession, and justify why the other person doesn’t deserve it.
Law 6. You will ruminate about your deficient qualities that prevent you from having said possession, and you may give up on subsequent attempts to acquire it, or engage in behaviors and thinking from Law 1 through Law 5.
Law 7. You will hold a grudge over a desired possession, and not for an actual trespass.
However, as the saying goes, laws are meant to be broken. You can lessen the emotional disturbance of envy by attacking the belief. First, try admitting to yourself, in a very honest way, that you desire the desired possession. You can also be honest with yourself if you are not happy with what you have, rather than defensively trying to convince yourself that you are happy when you are not. Then, if you still desire the possession for healthy reasons, you can start thinking about how to obtain it. There is also a difference between ruminating versus fantasizing about the desired object; aim to wish for the object, instead of focusing on the distress caused by its deficit. And finally, maybe most importantly to some of you, allow the other person to have and enjoy the possession without denigrating the person or the possession.
The irony of envy is that it signals to you, the reader, what area in your life would benefit from some improvement. In some cases, it signals to you what you admire, what you value, and where your emotional investments lie. Once you identify these, you can make a pursuit towards the desired possession in a healthy way. As long as you accept and acknowledge that we all have mixed feelings about other people’s possessions and success, we are able to use the emotion of envy as a strong motivator towards a goal. Now, take a deep breath, and congratulate your friend or colleague!
