by Carly Mayer, M.S. 

Last week, my friend was late to dinner. She is my friend that is perpetually late and every time we go out, I kick myself for being on time. I sat at the table thinking about how stupid I was for showing up on time, yet again, when I anticipated she would be late based on her past behavior.  I continuously told myself “I can’t stand it when she’s late, I’ve told her this a thousand times and she should be on time.” However, we had not seen each other in awhile and her showing up to an angry me was not going to make this an enjoyable meal.

Figuring that I had at least 20 minutes to spare, I decided to use my REBT skills to change that anger to annoyance, which I felt would not adversely affect our time together. I challenged myself, “Can I really not stand it?” and I realized that no, I had sat at plenty of empty tables waiting for her and I was still able to get through it; “Does she have to be on time?” and I realized that no, she does not have to be on time even though I would like her to be. So, for the next few minutes, I rehearsed: “I want her to be on time, but she does not have to be, and I can stand it if she is not.” To my surprise, ten minutes later, she showed up and we were able to have a pleasant dinner. In fact, I was even happy that she was earlier than I expected her to be! It goes to show that our emotions are defined by our beliefs, not the situations we find ourselves in, and we can help ourselves to feel and behave better.

Carly Mayer