by Jennifer Shindman, Psy.D.
In his book Reality Therapy, Robert Wubbolding presents a metaphor for helping people determine whether their current perceptions or behaviors are helping or hurting them. As humans, we repeat behaviors despite knowing deep down that they are not helping us fulfil our wants and needs.
To illustrate this, he asks whether you have ever lost your keys. What is the first emotion you choose? Aggravation, then irritation, anger, and panic, especially if you are in a hurry. The next behavior is to look for the keys. If you cannot find them, Wubbolding asks whether you look again in the same purse, the same pockets, the same spot in the yard where you might have dropped them? If they do not appear after the third or fourth time, do you search again in the same place? Why? The reason is that many of us have an underlying belief and hope that repeating the same behavior might work if we try once again. Maybe, just maybe, the keys will miraculously appear when we look in the same place one more time!
Ask yourself, how many times have you tried the same thing over and over and expected different results? How many times have you sat in traffic at 5:00pm getting angry and pouting even though it is rush hour and you do this every day? How many times have you asked your friend to be on time despite the fact that she has been late to plans for the last 20 years that you have known her? Then you sit in the restaurant sending angry text messages even though this happens to you at least once a week.
Wubbolding suggests that the solution to this very unproductive behavior is to ask, “Is this futile behavior helping me?” If you are applying this question to any of the above scenarios, the answer is clearly “NO.” It is NOT helping to look for your keys in the same places over and over again. It is NOT helping to sit pouting in very expected rush hour traffic. It is NOT helping to send angry text messages to your friend and demand she be on time, and your anger will now likely interfere with your ability to enjoy dinner.
So, once you establish that these behaviors are not helpful, the next step is to plan to do something different. Instead of searching in the same three places over and over again, try checking that you did not leave your keys in the door, and google some locksmiths. Instead of sitting in traffic, try figuring out if there is an alternate route to get home or browse for some tunes on the radio. If your friend is always at least 20 minutes late, tell her to arrive at 12:40 and get there at 1:00!
Thus, if you ever find yourself in a familiar yet difficult situation, ask yourself, “Is my current behavior helping me solve my problem or getting in the way?”
