by Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
What happens when we begin to put other people’s reactions and feelings before our own? I think this is a pretty important question to consider. My hypothesis is that this question can be answered a number of ways. Some of us may think, “I must put others before myself otherwise I would be selfish.” Another person may think “I should always be putting myself first and others in my life second.” These responses land on pretty opposite ends of the spectrum. While there are numerous variations on these two responses, it is often difficult to find that middle ground.
Just the other day I tried to reconcile my internal debate about whom to put first – me, myself, or I. Just kidding. I am sure we all have a friend who tends to only think of himself or herself first, yet somehow always appears to skate by without causing any collateral damage. Then there are those family members who should us incessantly and we find ourselves buckling under the pressure of their irrationality. As much as we may want to put me, myself, and I first, something stands in our way. There must be the perfect solution in which neither party is unhappy or hurt and everyone is on the path of getting what they want; Right?
Must there always be a perfect solution to every problem? Moreover, is there ever a guarantee that this seemingly perfect solution will be perfect in every situation? These two propositions become even more tenuous when combined with the belief that the other person should be more understanding or they must understand my point of view. When faced with the decision of who to put first, can we accept that sometimes doing what is best for ourselves may not be the first choice for those around us?
Just because we may advocate for our wants does not mean that we are inherently selfish. This is the middle ground I was talking about earlier: selfishness versus self-interest. What one may view as acting in self-interest, others may perceive as acting selfish. This is a risk we may run. That being said, making ourselves feel guilty or upset for disregarding our wants or compromising our values does not seem to be a more effective option. It is time to accept that as powerful as we think we are, it is not in our power to control the emotions and actions of others. This acceptance may not shield us from experiencing the unpleasant reactions of others, but also reminds us that restricting or manipulating what we say or do is only hindering us, rather than saving us from uncomfortable situations.
It appears that there is no easy answer to my initial question of who to put first. Perhaps, it is better to answer this question with a few follow-up questions. What is my goal? Am I acting with self-interest or selfishness? Most importantly, am I compromising myself to try and avoid negative reactions from others? If the answer to this last question is yes, then good luck. One thing I can say with almost certainty is that unpredictability of others’ perceptions is one of the most predictable occurrences of all.
