by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
Many of us at one time or another may have experience some sort of victimization, whether it be abuse, rape, discrimination, bullying or any other trauma- inducing event. The impact of victimization is not always evident immediately following the traumatic event. In fact, it may take years before one actually experiences the effects of trauma. We may start to have nightmares or flashbacks. Current events or situations may trigger traumatic memories, and could affect our level of trust and intimacy with others. Someone famous once stated, “Even victims have a choice,” meaning we have a choice as to how we remain an extension of a traumatic experience we have endured. Sometimes holding onto emotions triggered by traumatic events provides us with a false sense of security. But what we may be doing is really traumatizing ourselves all over again possibly out of shame or guilt. At times, we may minimize the extent to which the traumatic event has adversely impacted us by downplaying our scars. Its very difficult to differentiate exactly how much we have been impacted or whether we may be more resilient than the next person. In this case, sometimes talking about a traumatic event may not be fruitful. In other words, if it’s not broken why fix it? Although we cannot go back and change the traumatic event(s) we endured, we can work to change our perception of the traumatic events often through the assistance of a therapist. We can work at challenging our beliefs about the traumatic events that aren’t helpful to us and keep the trauma alive and kicking. We can begin to develop healthier negative emotions besides shame, guilt, unhealthy anger or depression. And we might entertain some form of forgiveness, both towards ourselves and our perpetrator. Forgiveness is a powerful act that frees us from the burden we are carrying about the traumatic event. Forgiveness is more about the victim and less about the perpetrator. Forgiveness can also come under the umbrella of unconditional self-, other- and life- acceptance in REBT, in which we may despise what we have endured or what was done to us but we can work toward acknowledgement and acceptance. We can also extract from the traumatic experience whatever ways to continue to build our resilience and perhaps even that of others. Though very difficult, if you have experienced a horrific victimization, it is possible to work through the path of being victim to survivor.
