Deniz Sidali, M.A.
This blog is a continuation on the theme of happiness and the sense of urgency that one needs to be happy at all times. This blog is not intended to discourage readers from striving towards a state of happiness. Albert Ellis himself noted that as human beings we should strive towards happiness, and that happiness is a necessary condition for optimal living and psychological well-being. A recently published research study concluded that individuals who are happier lead healthier, longer lives and cope better with stress. I would hope that this hardly seems like breaking news to most readers. But, it seems like in America we need to receive a memo indicating that we must feel happy because its good for us. Just like eating kale has a long-term health benefit. Happiness should not be construed merely as a goal or chore we need to accomplish before we die. Instead, happiness preferablyshould be construed as a mindset or continuous way of perceiving and dealing with life. Now, what the heck does that mean you may ask?
Well, let’s take a look at an example. You are presented with two different scenarios. For the first scenario, your boss calls you into his/her office and tells you what a wonderful job you have been doing and offers you a huge promotion. For the second scenario, your boss calls you into his/her office and tells you what a wonderful job you have been doing. However, due to a drop in the company’s profits, they have to fire you. So here is the million dollar question. If you were offered a choice, which of the two scenarios would you pick for yourself? Which option would contribute to you feeling happier? The answer seems obvious. But, it may not be. Let’s examine these two options closer.
Say you picked the first scenario, which is the obvious choice based on your initial impression. We fast forward six months later, and find that you are on the brink of a nervous breakdown. You are now working 120 hours a week in your new position as opposed to your previous 60 hour work week. You are no longer able to see your friends, family, and your social support network has crumbled. You don’t have any time to even call a friend or meet up for drinks to ventilate your frustrations. Your colleagues who use to like you now despise you and view you as the enemy, despite your extreme patience with their work- related blunders. They just hate you because now you represent the evil enemy known as management. You don’t have sex anymore, and your partner wants to leave you because you are either too tired or boring to be around. The one good salvation seems to be the six figure salary you are making. But, unfortunately it’s only a secondary reinforcer and you have no time or energy to spend your earnings towards any type of enjoyment. The idea or initial perception of this huge promotion seemed tantalizing and too difficult to overlook. But sometimes, the idea of something or our skewed perceptions mislead us into faulty thinking, feeling, and behaving which blocks us from being happy and making right decisions for ourselves. What we may believe are the right decisions for ourselves or what society dictates to be the right decisions for us are not always the right choices.
Let’s take a closer look at the second option that many of you possibly overlooked. You are now unemployed for six months and living off your savings. You decided to use this painful experience as a catalyst to reinvent yourself. At first, it’s difficult not having to wake up and go somewhere by 9 am. So after two days you get bored, and decide to wake up as though you were going to work each and every day. You decide to go to the local Barnes & Noble bookstore where there is a Starbucks. You take full advantage of this situation by deciding that you finally can go back to school and further your education. So each day you go to the same location, bring your study materials and study. You meet tons of unemployed individuals ranging from professors, to renowned artists, teachers, managers, nurses, real estate brokers, a former member of the Israeli Mossad, and medical students. You talk to a former 86 year old Holocaust survivor from Auschwitz who lost all her family members and still smiles even with her eyes. Everyone you come into contact with has a story either worse than you or similar to yours. You no longer think you are a failure. You feel liberated by the endless possibilities and what it means. You have choices and it no longer scares you that you need to choose. You cannot change the pain from yesterday but you can participate in your own destiny and make your own happiness. You don’t wish, wait, or hope that happiness comes along. You don’t accept the role of the passive victim, but choose to be the active hero in your own life. You think, feel, and behave in a consistent manner which brings true meaning, purpose and happiness into your life. You take a month long trip to Italy where you always wanted to go, before you enter a Ph.D. program in Clinical Psychology. You have now actualized both short and long term goals towards being happy. You are surrounded by people you appreciate and value who can mentally stimulate you. You may not be making your six figure salary, but you are fulfilled, feel complete and happy. Now….which choice would you make? These two scenarios have been adapted from my life. I chose to share these two different experiences with you in order to help you recognize that happiness is not about the materialistic things or practical solution (external triggering events). Happiness is about doing today what you put off from yesterday. Happiness is about doing, living, seizing the moment, taking risks, accepting ourselves and our deficits and failures (even though we may dislike them). We will continue to discuss ways to achieve a state of happiness.
