by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
As I discussed in my previous blog(s), being happy is a mindset. If we want to truly experience happiness, it should not be seen as a goal or contingent on something happening (such as, winning the lottery, marrying Mr. or Ms. Right, getting a promotion or salary increase, etc.) or relying on chance. Happiness does not entail externalizing the locus of one’s control over his/her life. If you choose to believe that your happiness is contingent upon external events or material possessions, don’t be surprised if happiness eludes you. Whether you choose to accept it or not, happiness is, in a big way, a choice that we make. Now, you may be saying out loud as you read this statement that “she doesn’t know what the heck she is saying”, or “I have real problems that prevent me from being happy.” As long as you continue telling yourself and others these types of statements, you will likely continue to be unhappy and happiness will elude you. Don’t let anyone (including YOU) or any situation, take away your ability to be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Some of the most underprivileged people who have experienced extremely traumatic life events can still describe themselves as capable of experiencing happiness. So, what makes them so special or different? First and foremost, it would seem that these folks choose not to be an extension of their adverse circumstances. Someone famous once said, “even victims have a choice”. So if my mother was abusive towards me throughout my childhood, how will it benefit me to keep reminding myself everyday that I was abused. I would like to add a caveat that in some cases of PTSD, victims may be severely debilitated where indeed they cannot stop having flashbacks of trauma they endured. But, we are not referring to these specific types of cases. So what are some of the things we can do to change our mindset to one of happiness? Here are some of my tried and true suggestions that have worked for me and others and may work for you:
Prioritize Your Life Goals. Although we mentioned that happiness should not be conceptualized as a goal, you can still set immediate or short-term and future or long term goals. Having a purpose in life makes one happy. Be as specific as possible when setting your goals. So for instance, a suggestion for an immediate, short-term goal may be helping a homeless person to buy a hot meal. Research shows the immediate effects of short-term goals on feeling happy. An obvious long term goal would be, “I can acquire skills by volunteering at a hospital in order to go to medical school” You can also try making two columns on a sheet of paper and listing short-term and long terms goals to achieve a state of happiness.
Be Active. Don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today. Even if your goals are not attainable overnight, you can still take initiative to take measures towards actualizing your dreams. Remember this analogy – a parked car doesn’t go anywhere!
Practice cognitive flexibility. This involves seeing life in shades of grey and not only in terms of black and white. If life were comprised of only these two colors, wouldn’t it be very boring? People who practice rigid thinking usually set themselves up for failure when things don’t turn out the way they expected. People who entertain different possibilities, good and bad, are healthier and happier as well as more resilient. Resilience can be beneficial in how we perceive and cope with challenging circumstances in the present and future.
Stop focusing only on yourself. People that are self-centered, selfish and unhappy focus on the negative aspects of themselves, life, others and the world. Focus on others around you (without making unhealthy comparisons). Stop thinking that the world revolves around you. Practice active listening with people around you. You may learn to recognize the commonalities you share with others, or that others’ may have worse situations than you yet still find ways to cope well with their stress.
Expand your social network. Happier people are healthier because they socialize with others. Having 700 plus Facebook friends doesn’t count. Having direct, intimate face-to-face contact is more beneficial. Talking on the phone can suffice. Practice honing your social skills. Don’t ask how someone is doing for the first minute, cut them off and start complaining about your problems. Try to find a balance in your relations with others. You have to give a little to get a little back. Friends can also be wonderful sources of feedback on our behaviors, thoughts and emotions.
Slow Down. This is related to experiencing as well. Life is not a race. Slow down and smell the roses – literally and figuratively. How many times have you actually taken time to slow down and observe your surroundings? When was the last time you ate together with your entire family? Or, shared your thoughts about the direction the world is taking with a person sitting next to you at Starbucks?
Simplify Your Life. Sometimes material belongings block us from seeing what is important in life, such as friends, family, sharing, caring, experiencing, valuing, loving, and feeling. Treat yourself well in mind, body, and spirit. Relaxation works better if you also alter your maladaptive thinking, feeling and behaving.
Being happy doesn’t mean avoiding unhappiness. This point is very important. Avoiding unhappiness really means a person has poor frustration tolerance, or does not want to tolerate discomfort. So what do we do when we do not want to experience discomfort? We AVOID! We repeatedly tell ourselves such sabotaging, defeatist statements as: “I can’t tolerate it,” “I can’t stand it anymore,” “It’s awful/unbearable.” Guess what? In the majority of cases, unless you are having surgery without general anesthesia, you can stand it. Telling yourself you cannot stand something won’t ease your suffering. Allowing yourself to experience some discomfort, may teach you many things such as: the fact that the thought of something being bad may be much worse than the actual experience; life can always get much worse; you are stronger than you thought you were; by delaying your discomfort, you actually have caused yourself to feel more discomfort; and you are the master of your own destiny. So stop repeatedly telling yourself such self-sabotaging comments.
Well, these suggestions should give you a good start on how to begin working towards a mindset of happiness for now. It is important to be patient when trying new or different things. So don’t get discouraged if you try any of these recommendations and do not feel happy immediately. Change is a process. So get started and let me know how these recommendations work out for you.
