by Kimberly Alexander, M.S.

Recently, at a Friday Night Live at AEI, Dr. Windy Dryden gave a talk on “How to not make yourself disturbed while dating.” One point that stood out to me a great deal was about the idea that rejection is an experience that will occur at various points in your life. Specifically, there are some individuals that become emotionally disturbed after being rejected and there are others that become disturbed when having to do the rejecting. For myself, I have struggled with the latter in ALL aspects of my life. You might sarcastically quip, “Ohhh, Poor you, to have to reject people! How horrible your life must be!” But the reality is that I have been rejected many times both professionally and in matters of the heart. And during these occasions, I am definitely sad and hurt which I think is appropriate but I’m rarely “disturbed” …that is depressed, anxious, withdrawn, or angry. Actually, when these moments happen, friends always remark at “how well I’m taking the news.”

However, on the other hand, when faced with having to tell someone that “I don’t want to date you”, I go through such anxiety that you probably would think I was a completely different person! My biggest fear is to hurt someone’s feelings. Somehow, at some point in life, I have determined that I hold complete control over other people’s emotions that I now can dictate how they feel! Crazy right? Intellectually, I know this is ridiculous. But as we all know, we can always bet on our mind to rapidly produce an abundance of unhelpful and irrational thoughts that simply serve to increase negative emotions.

Recently around Valentine’s Day, I was faced with this very struggle. Plagued with anxiety at the thought of having a conversation with someone I care for, about my inability to continue dating. Every time I prepared myself to have the conversation, I would become so anxious that I would even become slightly nauseous while picking up the phone to call him. Then to avoid this feeling I simply would preoccupy myself with other activities or “remind” myself that “I have my academics to focus on therefore that conversation is not priority.”

Why was this becoming so difficult for me as Valentine’s day was steadily approaching? Well, yes, I was fearful of hurting him. But this was because I COULDN’T BARE to disappoint someone I genuinely care for and if he were hurt and disappointed, then he would look at me SO HORRIBLY, SO NEGATIVELY, as if I were a MONSTER! Again, I know… Dramatic!

To be honest, I think it’s important to lay out a few facts now. Declining a person’s request is difficult. This is disappointing for the other person because they are not getting a request met. It is also reasonable to feel some concern and maybe even a little sadness for having to decline someone’s request if you care for them on some level. But the idea that I couldn’t bare it and that I was a horrible, awful monster of a person because of it does not logically follow from the fact I laid out previously. People including myself are disappointed by others at times and we still survive! We may feel hurt, but we get through it and this situation is no different. Furthermore, I have never thought of a person as a horrible, awful, monster because they declined my request, even in matters of the heart. I may have had a few choice words, but that has always been short-lived!

As the big “V” day approached, I “worked up the nerve” to face my fears and have the conversation with him. To be honest, there was no evidence in the history of our friendship that would suggest he would think of me in these awful ways that I was predicting or thinking of myself. I also came to a point of acceptance that feelings of disappointment are to be expected but any intense negative emotions he could potentially experience is not for me to control. All that I can offer is clarity on my preferences for the relationship in an empathetic and respectful manner. And very importantly, it ultimately dawned on me that to not have this conversation would have been more insensitive of me, and if I cared for this person as I say I do, I ought to convey that through honesty and sincerity rather than avoidance and ambivalence.

Kimberly Alexander, M.S.