by Johna Hansen, LCSW
One of my children is going to camp this weekend for the first time. This will be the first time he has stayed with someone other than his family for more than one night. He is excited about getting away, but also sad about being away from his family for a couple of nights. I am also experiencing mixed feelings, although, at first, one of my feelings was not healthy. I’m excited for him and for this opportunity to spend quality time with friends; however immediately after we made the decision for him to go, my heart started racing and my palms were sweaty as I felt anxious about all the ways this trip could go wrong. I kept asking myself things like: What if he doesn’t like being there and I have to wake up in the middle of the night and go pick him up? What if he doesn’t take a shower for two days? What if there is a snowstorm and he gets stuck there for more than the two days? The answers to these questions include the following beliefs: “I can’t stand the thought of needing to get up in the middle of the night, find a car, and drive somewhere”, “It would be awful if he doesn’t take a shower because he would smell and everyone would think he is incapable of caring for himself”, and “He wouldn’t be able to cope with being away for more than two days”. Not only did I have a range of irrational beliefs about the situation, I also disturbed myself further by projecting an irrational belief onto him.
After I caught myself ruminating down a rabbit hole of irrational beliefs, I recognized the uncomfortable physiological response I was having and decided I’d rather be concerned than anxious so I began to challenge my unhelpful beliefs. There have been multiple occasions where I’ve had to get up in the middle of the night due to feeding kids, sicknesses and wet beds and although I would prefer to not get up, I was able to get up and take care of the situation. If I needed to get up in the middle of the night, rent a car, and go get him, it would be a hassle that I could tolerate. Also, he has gone without a shower for more than two days before and no one noticed. Even if they did notice, he wouldn’t care and their noticing his smell would not be the worst thing in the world. Finally, I’m just projecting my irrational beliefs onto him by thinking he wouldn’t be able to cope. Possibly he would love the fact that he gets extra time to be away. Also, most likely, the adults he will be with are capable of helping him find ways to cope if he needs assistance.
Once I reiterated these rational beliefs, I was able to stop awfulizing and was able to start to feel a healthy amount of concern instead of anxiety about his trip. My body became more relaxed and I was able to proceed with planning for the trip. I was even able to notice that I felt a healthy amount of sadness because I would miss him. I’m thankful that this is one of his first steps towards becoming independent.
