By Dan Prendergast, M.A.
Most people would agree that thinking positively is usually related to feeling good, and that feeling good is preferable. However, most of the time I have heard advice to “think positive” or “be positive,” especially from self-help gurus and the media, the advice has been badly delivered. Most typically friends and family give this advice when a bad thing happens, negative emotions result, and a well-meaning person wants someone to be in a better emotional state in the face of misfortune. This week I have a few thoughts on negative emotion, which will hopefully separate plain old positive thinking from tyrannical positive thinking.
First, it is important to recognize that even generally happy people have numerous negative thoughts nearly every day of their life. The thing that differentiates them from people who might call themselves unhappy is that their positive thoughts outnumber their negative thoughts by just enough to create a generally happy experience. Nobody has exclusively positive thoughts, and trying to expel all negative thoughts is utterly unrealistic. I hate to say it, but unfortunately that is the human condition.
Negative thoughts or emotions can be appropriate when bad things happen, and it would be problematic to experience positive or neutral thoughts or emotions during tragedies or bad times. Healthy negative emotions like remorse, sadness, functional low-grade anger (annoyance, irritation) or regret can be motivators to make important steps in life based on values. Unhealthy negative emotions such as guilt, depression, rage, hurt and shame can make us act less effectively and can interfere with our lives. In REBT, a major goal is to change thinking in order to turn unhealthy negative emotion into healthy negative emotion, not to promote a life with rose-colored glasses and perpetual happiness.
People commonly equate thinking with feeling (an issue for another blog), and telling people to “be positive” or “think positive,” is often meant or understood as “feel positive.” When this advice is escalated into a command and/or is delivered dogmatically (“you must be positive now and forever, regardless of your circumstances!”), it can be incredibly invalidating to someone who is experiencing a negative emotion in bad circumstances. When dogmatic commands to feel positive are turned inward (“I must feel positive despite my circumstances!”), people commonly condemn themselves for feeling bad during trying times (“but I do feel bad, so there must be something wrong with me!”). Simply having a negative thought or emotion makes a person a member of the human race, and not a condemnable sub-human. Incidentally, there is presently no evidence that telling someone to be positive is an effective fix for negative emotion. My personal opinion is that being supportive while someone experiences a negative emotion is more helpful than telling (or commanding) them to feel something else.
When does negative thinking become a problem that might benefit from treatment? I’d say that when negative thinking results in negative emotions that impair functioning or promote self-defeating behavior, intervention is warranted. When negative thinking is so pronounced that it impairs a person’s ability to notice and enjoy pleasurable things in their environment, or look at a situation with a non-catastrophizing perspective and appreciate tactful humor, it is probable that their negative emotion is at an unhealthy level. Finally, when a person experiences distress that prevents them from acting in a manner that is consistent with their values, it may be wise to seek help.