by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
“We can go nowhere but up from here my dear.”
So the other night, a friend of mine posts a “positive quote” on social media which she has indicated has miraculously transformed her perceptions about her life. I have taken the liberty of posting the inspirational quote she shared with us above. My intention is to try to determine what it will elicit in readers of this blog, and to strengthen the points I am about to make. How many of you readers feel like screaming at your computer screen or cusp your head in your hands out of annoyance or disbelief every time a friend of yours on Facebook or Twitter posts one of these cheesy inspirational quotes? Or, do you live with someone that has these so-called inspirational quotations on magnets on the refrigerator? Are you just as perturbed that you cannot avoid these inspirational quotes wherever you turn your head? The question I usually ask myself is, who is generating these cliché quotes, and how much moneyare they making off the mass production of providing others a false sense of hope? Again as a cynical child of European immigrants, I often wonder why Americans succumb to such trite clichés as these positive quotes appear to serve as a catalyst to change themselves and their lives. I guess the reason I respond so strongly to these “positive quotes” is because I believe they reduce the complexities of the human condition and experience into a cliché encompassing a few choice words. If life were merely as simple as some of these inspirational quotes, there wouldn’t be millions of people seeking answers and help in therapy. My belief is that frankly anything that is worthwhile or worth working hard for doesn’t come easily. If things happened easily, we probably would discount them and consider them as having no intrinsic value. I will acknowledge that these inspirational quotations might have an immediate positive effect or resonate with some people some of the time. However, these benefits typically tend to be short-lived. This is a characteristic of any other type of quick fix. So I compare these inspirational quotations to be similar to placing a band aid on a gaping wound. They simply are not sufficient nor helpful in the long run to completely or correctly address people’s issues. The inspirational quotation which I re-posted above indicates that things can only get better. So as I proceeded to explain to my friend, the suggestion that things can only get better is simply not true. I instead prefer the way Albert Ellis depicted the future to his clients, which is that “things can always get worse”. So in essence, this inspirational quotation is misleading people into a false or irrational belief, that most things will get better or improve. In REBT, when our clients express an irrational or false belief we usually ask, “Where is this written?” Well, maybe we need to rephrase this question and ask, “So just because an inspirational quote says things will get better, is this necessarily true?” I elaborated on this question by suggesting to my friend, “Let’s say things do get better for a while, what happens when things take a turn for the worse? Then what do you do?” The adherent of these quotes never entertains the elegant solution, or worst case scenario that things could possibly get much worse as it sometimes does. This is where this inspirational quote sets its adherents up for disappointment and failure without providing the coping skills or tools necessary to deal with these setbacks. By then, the immediacy effect or impact of this quotation will have worn off leaving you perplexed and wondering, “What happened? I thought things could and should only get better.” The simple fact of the matter is – we won’t know if things will get better or worse. The more appropriate quotation which is not a cliché would be, “The only thing we can be certain of is that there isn’t any certainty in life”. So some clichés or inspirational quotes are appropriate and true. Maybe the real problem is that people simply cannot tolerate uncertainty. But, rather think about whether these positive quotes provide certainty by looking for gaps in their reasoning. As I suggested to my friend, if things can only get better, did you ever entertain the thought that what goes up must come down, or the higher you get the harder you fall. I suggested testing the reasoning behind these so called positive quotes for errors. Getting back to the inspirational quote at hand, I promptly pointed out that these quotes provide a false sense of hope by reinforcing the source of one’s problems and tracing its solutions to an external stressor or locus of control. It instills within readers the belief that we should wait for some divine intervention for things to improve, rather than taking initiative or making an active choice to change one’s life. Maybe we need to ask ourselves, “Why do we feel the need to easily accept these positive quotations instead of working on changing aspects of our lives without them?” I informed my friend that I used to entertain the false belief or fantasy that a dashing prince on a white horse would swoop in to save me. But then I realized that I was my own worst enemy as well as my own savior. When you choose to live in a contrived fairy tale, it usually doesn’t have a happy ending. Nor do these general inspirational quotes instruct readers on how to go about achieving these conditions. They leave out many intermediary steps such as generating alternative scenarios or challenges that can arise, how to deal with these alternatives, and how we should adjust the way we act and think to change our feelings. These quotes instill within their readers an avoidance of unhappiness and discomfort, and promote frustration intolerance. So I instead suggested to my friend an alternative viewpoint. What if happiness, success or any condition we strive for is unsustainable? What if misery, discomfort, and unhappiness waxes and wanes? Now, I do want to clarify that I consider the repetition of rational thoughts or positive yet realistic affirmations to be highly effective as long as you simultaneously work on altering your irrational thinking,unhealthy feelings, and inappropriate behaviors. My favorite positive inspirational quote which actually isn’t hokey and works effectively is the one popularized in the UK, “Keep Calm and Carry On”. It basically implies that worrying, losing control, and getting upset doesn’t help solve problems or alleviate discomfort. It merely contributes to the problem, so stay calm, focused and be productive. So the moral of the blog is, a positive or inspirational quote should not define or direct you but instead should complement your personal philosophy and be an adjunct (within reason) to improve yourself either on your own or with therapy.
