by Deniz Sidali, M.A. 

I constantly hear friends lamenting about failed relationships. I wonder if ruminating about the past is a way to seek closure on a chapter of their life that ended badly. Or, maybe dwelling on failed relationships is a way to seek control or hold onto their exes a little longer.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking, “you did not read the writing on the wall.”  Bad partners usually exhibit a pattern of bad behaviors. Often we refuse or ignore to see blatantly obvious signs. One of my friends continues to complain about her ex-husband not having a job for twelve years and failing to pay child support. Another friend was dating a man for five years and the minute she hinted at marriage and moved in with him, he left her for a much younger woman. Another friend wishes that her cheating ex-boyfriends will one day feel the hurt they inflicted on her. For the first friend, I felt like asking her why she waited so long to figure out her ex-husband was not going to provide an income. The second friend expressed shock at her boyfriend leaving her suddenly and stressed how they never argued. Well that is hard to imagine. All couples argue sometimes and it’s how you argue that determines whether your relationship is healthy or not. The third friend is wishing for something that will never come to fruition in a million years. This train of thinking will only prolong her state of unhappiness and negative mindset. You can’t make people feel remorseful for cheating.  Forgiveness may be viewed as a healthier way to heal one’s wounded heart and pride and gracefully move on. Unconditional self, other, or life acceptance, in which we don’t have to like our circumstances, but rather acknowledge their existence, may also be a healthier option. Initially what attracts us to someone may eventually turn into the reason we break up with them. We cannot change others or the situation by complaining, dwelling on the negative, or wishing ill will towards others.  It’s easy to blame others; it’s often harder to take responsibility for our decisions and choices.   Ask yourselves, “How is it helping me to hate my ex?” Most people say, “It’s not helping me to blame or hate my ex.” But many people still continue to think about their ex and all the negative things that transpired. Ruminating about bad relationships prolongs hurt feelings, anger, and depression.

I use the analogy that every relationship is like a business deal. Before I invest I do my research. If after conducting my research, I decide to invest (i.e., time, energy, and feelings) I take things slow. If I see a return on my investment, I continue to invest in the relationship. If, on the other hand, I invest and don’t see a profit, I cut my losses while I am ahead. However, there is always room to negotiate what you are willing to tolerate.  Most folks end up staying in a relationship hoping it will get better, or they try to change the person. People treat us the way that we allow them to treat us.

Deniz Sidali, M.A.