I must let them know how I’m feeling! I need to let them know how angry I am! For many of us these thoughts may have popped up in a moment of anger. While we cannot control the thoughts that come into our minds, we do have the choice of whether or not we want to listen. Just because one may think “I must show them how angry I am,” this thought is not necessarily true.
Let’s take a closer look at the nature of these beliefs. Is it true that when we feel angry we must let others know how angry we are feeling? If we must always act in this manner, then we would express our anger every time that we begin to feel this emotion. I am not aware of any rule that states one must always express their anger! As such, must you always express your anger?
Yelling and screaming at the target of our anger may feel great in the moment. I am sure we have all thrown a pillow or two believing that this would help relieve the tension. What exactly have we resolved in doing so? When we let our emotions alone dictate our actions, we may be neglecting to think logically and rationally about the situation, and more importantly what we are trying to accomplish. When we act on emotions alone, we leave ourselves vulnerable to acting rashly.
While emotions such as anger may come on very quickly, exerting an effort to take a pause before expressing oneself can be the difference between losing a friendship and communicating more effectively. Our actions not only impact us in the short-term, but can lead to long-term consequences as well. Our short-term goal of letting others know how angry we are, or making our point known, may fulfill a short-term goal; however, if our long-term goal is to maintain a relationship or further our career, by reacting angrily and aggressively, we have successfully sabotaged our chances of doing so. This leaves the question of whether or not we are able to fulfill our short-term goal in this moment, while also keeping our long-term goals in mind.
The difference between acting assertively and aggressively is the key to resolve this discrepancy. Once we are able to maintain our anger in the moment, we are already in a better position to communicate our feelings. Maintaining an even keel and a calm demeanor makes all of the difference when expressing our objections and concerns. Telling your friend that “I am very upset with the way you handled that situation and I wish you would respond differently next time” comes across very differently, and often more effectively than “You are so stupid for doing that!”
Next time you are feeling angry, first think about what you need to tell yourself before you address another person. Remind yourself that while you want to express how angry you feel, it does not mean that you have to in an angry or aggressive manner, or that you have to do so at all.Give yourself a moment to consider your next move- you may be happy with the result.
