by William Taboas, M.A.

Have you ever savored moments of joy, relaxation, or bliss? Feels great to do so; you just want to make the moments, but mostly the emotions that go with the occasion, last forever. We know that that emotions are ephemeral…they all pass. And we go to great lengths to replicate them. Now, let’s talk about unsavory emotions: sadness, remorse, regret, worry…you name it. We want to have the opposite experience of these emotions, meaning that we like them to end quicker than they last. We go through great lengths to do so, either by actively avoiding things that we worry or become sad about, to creating environments that negate emotional and physical discomforts.  But the cost of avoiding negative emotions is that we don’t fully learn to manage or cope with them.

Some psychologically-minded mental health circles will characterize distress avoidance or experiential avoidance as attempting to stop major waves of emotions. Over the weekend, I was catching up with a friend and discussing moments of stress and transition in his life. During the course of the conversation, we came up with a visual and metaphoric image of managing stress, anxiety, and deep sadness: we imagined coping like riding a wave or “duck-diving” under it when the wave is too large. I used to surf a bit as a teenager, so, for those who are at a loss of what “duck-diving” is, it is just like it sounds, taking yourself and the board under the wave, hold your breathing in a relaxed manner, and slowly exhaling as the wave envelopes and passes over you. This is the essence of mindful exposure to distressing emotions.

The more you confront, instead of avoid, your unwanted emotions, the more you learn how to cope with them, and the negative thoughts tied to them.  This is how we develop distress tolerance.  Imagine your [insert negative emotion here]. Picture it. Smell it. Taste it. Touch it. Describe its scope, dimensions, and depth. Notice yourself in relation to it, and notice the thoughts tied to the emotion.  Imagine it as a wave.  Imagine it enveloping you.  Feel the emotion (not avoid it), and remind yourself that just like the joyous moments, distressing moments pass as well.  Approach and savor the emotion. You dictate what you do with the emotion; the emotion does not dictate you.  Stay with the emotion…it will be worth the effort in the longer term.

William Taboas, M.A.