by Jennifer Shindman, M.S.
All of the water in the world cannot sink a ship, unless it gets inside. In other words, people around us behave in all sorts of ways and may even treat us poorly, but we are the deciders of how it affects us. If your “frenemy,” or your mother-in-law, or your boss makes that backhanded comment, you do not have to upset yourself about it. You are the superman of your thoughts, and it is up to you to prevent the water from getting inside.
First step: let’s assume that your mother-in-law meant exactly what you thought she meant with that comment. When she said “interesting shoes,” she meant, “those are literally the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen; clearly, your taste in shoes indicates that you are not good enough for my son.” So, your mother-in-law thinks you are not good enough, and you just cannot tolerate that thought and demand that she sees you for how great you are. When you think this way, you feel very angry and fight with your husband, because “how dare she not know better?” Now, because your goal is to stay in your marriage and be civil with your mother-in-law, it would be in your best interest to change the way you are thinking about this situation (since it is unlikely mom is ever changing; interesting is her favorite synonym). First, ask yourself the question, “where is it written that your mother-in-law must treat you with respect just because you want her to?” Second, “is it really true that you cannot tolerate the notion that she thinks her son is better than you?” True, it is frustrating and annoying, but you can certainly tolerate it. So, next time mommy makes an interesting comment, which to you signifies you are not good enough for her son, you can practice a new thought: I really really do not like when she does this, but there is no reason that she must not. It is possible that she does not think I am good enough, and it is uncomfortable and annoying, but I can tolerate it.
Second Step: Let us rewind and examine the initial thing that she said; she called your shoes “interesting.” What you did was evaluate that thought and turned it into her thinking you are not good enough. Interesting shoes = an unworthy individual. That is a pretty interesting leap. Is it necessary to make that leap? Have you ever wondered how much time you’ve spent evaluating what people meant by what they said, when there is no way you will ever really know? Maybe you are doing a bad job at not letting the water inside. How about trying to separate the thought from the evaluation? Next time mom says something is interesting, can you try to look at that action without absorbing it and ruminating about it? You may ask yourself what she meant by that, and that’s okay, but you do not need to spend time trying to answer that question. Can you try working instead on tolerating the uncertainty of the comment’s meaning? I think you can, because after all, you are the controller of your thoughts.
