by Brianna Cheney, M.A.
Regardless of whether you are the recipient or the perpetrator, passive-aggressive communication can be extremely frustrating for everyone involved! Passive-aggressive behaviors consist of an indirect expression of anger or upset. They come in the form of both nonverbal behaviors, such as eye-rolling and eyebrow-raising, and verbal behaviors, like asking rhetorical questions (“Why would you ever do that?!”) and speaking with a tone of voice that belies the semantical meaning of your reply (e.g., angrily snapping that “you’re fine!”).
We can probably all think of someone else who tends to be passive-aggressive, but how about identifying our own passive-aggressive tendencies? Detecting our own communication issues can be a challenge, especially in light of the fact that many of our communication habits are almost as old as we are. Growing up, I was a big offender of the silent treatment. When I felt upset with my siblings or friends, I expressed my feelings indirectly by deliberately not speaking to them. My (irrational) rationale was that “they upset me, so they must apologize before I’ll talk to them again! The paradox of my passive-aggressive behavior was that my efforts to get my feelings acknowledged often went unnoticed or were met with defensive attitudes, which only intensified my negative emotion.
Despite requiring a lot of emotional energy, passive-aggressive behavior often fails to get us what we want! When we are passive-aggressive, we not only fail to communicate our feelings and needs in a direct, effective manner (the con of being passive) but we also tend to introduce a new barrier to communication by leading the other person to become defensive (the con of being aggressive). Now, when I experience the urge to give the silent treatment, I apply REBT to my thoughts. I’ve realized that while I would prefer for my loved ones to immediately acknowledge my upset, there is no reason they MUST do so and they are probably less likely to do so until I clearly express how I feel!
Next time you find yourself communicating in a passive-aggressive manner, you might ask yourself if your strategy is the most effective way to accomplish your goal. Chances are, replacing your passive-aggressive tendencies with assertive communication will help others to hear your message more clearly -–and more quickly!
