by Shannon O’Neill, M.A.
“I should have done _____.”
“Why didn’t I say _____?”
“I didn’t have to act _____.”
The above statements display a collection of potential thoughts that can run through individuals’ minds when they ruminate about regretful past events. Many of us find ourselves living in the past as we become tormented about events that occurred days, weeks, months, or even years prior. Unfortunately, when we reflect on the past, we not only think about how the event could have been different, but also generate self-downing, other-downing, or world-downing remarks regarding how the moments unfolded. Living within the regrets of the past will naturally lead one to begin thinking, behaving, and feeling unhealthily in the present. For example, individuals who continue to ruminate over their poor performance during a previous job interview may behave similarly during a present interview because they continue to remain upset about how they behaved in the prior situation.
In A Practitioner’s Guide to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, a quote from Freud (1965) is referenced: “The past is only important because you continue to carry it around with you.” If you strongly dislike the past event that has occurred, why spend so much time there? Rather than wishing you could change the past, it is more helpful to use effective problem solving techniques in order to think about ways you can use the occurrence to improve the present. As for other parts of the experience that cannot be changed, let them go. Continuing to demand things should have been done another way will not change what has already occurred. Therefore, let go of that demand and use what you have learned to engage in a better experience today.
“I use memories, but I will not allow memories to use me…” – Deepak Chopra
“Only by acceptance of the past can you alter it.” – T.S. Eliot
