by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
One of my strongest virtues as a therapist is my inordinate patience. Sometimes I wonder whether this virtue may be my vice. Having excessive patience with certain clients can have drawbacks such as people taking liberties, abusing the therapist’s patience, blurring boundaries, and failing to teach appropriate skills. The relationship between therapist and client just may not be right. Sometimes a therapist simply needs to tactfully draw a line in the sand and express “enough is enough”.
A few years ago, I went on an interview to a psychoanalytically oriented doctoral program. The two interviewers asked me this awkward question, “Deniz, which patient have you hated the most and how did you deal with it?” I sat in my seat for a good 30 seconds in disbelief. After my shock dissipated, I became upset. So I replied, “I haven’t hated any of my patients”. At the time, I was being honest. So the two interviewers sat there with equal disbelief and looked over at one another before they said, “So you expect us to believe that you never hated any of your patients?” I responded, “I don’t expect you to believe anything. Might I add that hate is a very strong word. I reckon if you hate your patients, you shouldn’t be a psychologist. Hatred is not a conducive or healthy emotion to help suffering human beings.” I deem it a blessing for both myself and the school, that I did not get accepted to that program.
A few years later, I would encounter a client that would make me wish not to work with them. This client exceeded my patience and broke my streak of positive experiences with clients. For purposes of confidentiality, I will not discuss the details in this blog. However, I have come to terms with what transpired between me and this client. I realize that although I didn’t “hate” him, I did “dislike” him. I acknowledge that I was partially responsible for disliking him by telling myself, “You are a bad therapist. You are not doing right by him. You dislike him and you shouldn’t feel this way, ever”. The standards I set for myself were simply too high. To never dislike someone, let alone a client is not realistic. One point those two interviewers had was that if you dislike someone it’s alright and there are ways to deal with it.
I learned through REBT that I don’t have to like everyone or everything, but I can accept my feelings towards the situation and change my way of thinking about the situation. So in fact, the client who I thought I helped the least has helped me to become a better, more well-rounded therapist by teaching me to be first and foremost be patient with myself – a fallible human being.
