by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
For years while working and studying to become a psychologist, people often ask me:“Do you practice what you preach?” Without question or hesitation, I resoundingly answer “Yes, I certainly do”. I sincerely believe that one of the true markers of a good therapist is not only to follow your own advice but also to be passionate about the type of philosophical and therapeutic approach you choose to align yourself with. Being passionate about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) makes me all the more likely to use various approaches in helping myself to deal with life’s myriad of challenges. And I strongly believe it is sometimes appropriate and helpful as a therapist to share with clients through self-disclosure ways REBT approaches have helped me to cope with similar struggles. In fact, such self-disclosures when relevant, appropriate and inexcessive may serve to strengthen the therapeutic alliance by enabling the client to become aware of the fallible, human side of their therapist and the commonalities that bind both therapist and client. Self-disclosures where a therapist admits using REBT during hard times could actually facilitate change by reducing resistance and servingas appropriate modeling behavior.
So what exactly have I tried and found that works? The dissertation process can be quite possibly one of the most if not the most emotionally daunting aspects of one’s higher academic career. The other day I sat in an externship meeting at school and the director of the program pressured the doctoral students to get started on writing their dissertation proposals. After the meeting ended, many of us students felt anxious, stressed out, and panicky. But, I refused to succumb to these unhealthy negative emotions. I instead told myself that the director didn’t make the students or me feel any of these unhealthy negative emotions (i.e., anxiety, stress, panic). If anything, we make ourselves feel these unhealthy negative emotions because of what we choose to tell ourselves, what content of the discussion we choose to focus on, and what meaning we choose to extract from the discussion (or our perceptions). So I instead opted to feel concern, which is a healthier negative emotion that will keep me on my toes and engage me to complete this lengthy dissertation process from start to finish. I proceeded to tell myself the following: “Anxiety inducing beliefs won’t help me get started in developing my dissertation proposal. They will only hinder me. So I won’t focus on anything that cannot help me get the goal accomplished.” I also told myself that although I didn’t enjoy many aspects of my graduate school experience, I have a choice in how I perceive the challenge of writing my dissertation proposal. And I choose to see it as a positive experience where I can put my personal stamp on the dissertation proposal and the final product. This is my opportunity to not only impress myself but my mentors about my knowledge on a specific topic. But, I reminded myself that the members of my dissertation committee while expecting excellence, are considerate of the fact that my knowledge of expertise cannot possibly exceed theirs at this early stage in my career. So I need not strive for a perfect or great dissertation. I am not seeking to win the Nobel Prize, but merely looking to graduate from school while making a contribution to the science of psychology. I also told myself that, I will and do enjoy the learning process and that I should not be blind sighted by the end result (i.e., completion of my dissertation) but instead should focus on breaking down the process into small, specific, manageable steps. So I immediately without hesitation started writing my dissertation proposal. I had better put the ball in motion, I told myself, by talking less about my ideas and learning how to formulate them better by writing them on paper. I remembered a quote from President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself”. So instead of wallowing in my own self-pity and fearing this seemingly daunting process, I recognize that my thoughts and beliefs about the experience can be much worse than the actual experience itself. Instead, I reiterated to myself that I will look forward to all aspects of writing my dissertation from conducting research, interacting with the participants, scoring questionnaires, reading the articles for the literature review, and acquiring feedback on how to fine tune my work from professors whose opinions and body of work I respect. I continued to tell myself that there may be obstacles along the way that I need to resolve, but I am prepared for this challenge. And that I accept the situation, obstacles and all, without having to like every aspect of this process (unconditional life acceptance).
I am now gaining confidence that I will grow not only as an individual but as a clinician and learn things about myself along the way. So I repeatedly tell myself these thoughts, and refuse to focus on frustration intolerance promoting or awfulizing thoughts such as, “Haven’t I suffered enough during all these years in the program?”, “My life will be horrible for the next two years.” “I can’t stand the fact that my days will be consumed by working on my dissertation.” I also realized that it wasn’t enough to simply alter my thoughts, I had to alter my feelings and behaviors as well. So I started to write 1-2 pages of my dissertation proposal each day in small increments so as not to become overwhelmed by the number of pages required which is 70-90 pages minimum. This improved my productivity. I also vowed to myself that I will keep the balance right in my life during the dissertation process. I will treat myself well by going to the movies, getting my hair done, seeing my friends and family, shopping, and maintaining a sense of normalcy in my life. I will not allow the dissertation process to consume me. By choosing to have a balanced life, I will foster progress in the completion of my dissertation as well because a healthier doctoral student will be a happier, more productive doctoral student. So, thanks to REBT, I am ready, willing and able to take on this goliath project and respond to others’ curious queries, “So how’s your dissertation going?” without blowing a gasket.
