by Chris Kelly, M.A.

A friend of mine always used to say: “More to be pitied than scorned.” She would say this whenever she noticed some stranger acting in a rude or hateful manner. The flip way in which she said it made it seem like she just wasn’t very bothered by rudeness. I eventually realized that when she would say this, she was actually making the choice to feel pity instead of scorn. She was reminding herself that she had a choice in the matter.

While we don’t want to walk around pitying people all day, it’s good to remind ourselves that we do have a choice in how we feel.

Every time I have chosen to feel empathy instead of anger, I have felt and acted better. But making this choice is tough. Anger–especially so-called “righteous” anger–can feel good. There is a strange kind of pride in our pain; we feel justified and we feel right. We also get caught up in the misguided idea that empathizing is approving of or even encouraging bad behavior.

Empathy is not approval. It is trying to understand the feelings of another from his or her point of view. And here’s where the benefits come in. Once we understand someone’s feelings, we are better able to understand their behaviors. Their actions seem less confusing, even if we still disapprove of what they did. With empathy, we increase our capacity to deal with negative situations in a calmer, more rational manner.

The reality is that there will be days when choosing empathy is the last thing we feel like doing. So, when I’m too angry and don’t want to move to empathy, I sometimes have to move to pity first. And I’m still better off! I can continue my day without dwelling on some random act of unkindness.

 

Chris Kelly