by Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
Tis the season to be…well that is an interesting question. Some may assume tis the season to be jolly, but that is potentially placing a lot of pressure on oneself. The holiday season is not always jolly, and demanding yourself to feel something that is not actually representative of how you feel can be pretty confusing. If I were to demand that the chair I am sitting on turn into a lounge chair on a beach, and then this demand is not being met, I would become pretty angry. The point I am trying to make is that when we demand something that is not there, our beliefs are not in line with reality. This sets us up to feel anger, depression, and anxiety, all of which are definitely different from joy.
For some people, the holidays may be more difficult or stressful for a variety of reasons. We may be confronted with family or friends that we spend the better part of the year avoiding. Others may hold on to the idea that the holidays must be perfect. As a result, the first change in our plans sends us into a whirlwind. Just like any other time of year, there may be things we enjoy, things we find irritating, and things we may not want to deal with again.Thinking about any situation with “all-or-nothing” thinking is neither logical nor beneficial. As with many things,forgetting that the “whole” is comprised of many parts, leads us to generalize situations as “good” or “bad.” We may lose sight of the many different interactions, situations, experiences we encounter and create a slightly skewed perception. Yes, certain family members were aggravating AND the chocolate cake was delicious. Both of these can exist together.
It is helpful to also manage our expectations. If our aunt is always critical, chances are, she will be critical this year. We may think that persuading ourselves onto believing things will be different this year may be comforting, but what we are really doing is denying reality. All we can really do is accept. Accept ourselves, accept others, and accept the holidays for what they are…fallible. While our New Year’s resolution may be to control others and those around us, my research has not yet uncovered a mobile App that will allow this to be possible. When people begin to act the way that they always do, and the holidays are the same as years past, try to acknowledge the way things are and donot be too hard on yourself for not being 100% joyful. Wanting for change can be great and a huge motivator, but demanding things that are not there is a recipe for unhealthy negative emotions.
Enjoy the holidays for what you can and try to let go of what you cannot change. If nothing else, remember the one thing you always have a choice in is how you want to think about this holiday season.
I will be REBT back after the new year! Happy Holidays!