by Raymond Moody, M.A.
I love the holidays. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because there are few expectations. There are no presents to buy, no costumes to wear, and no guilt for not going to religious services. In my family, the expectations are show up, bring a dish if you can, express some gratitude and eat (sometimes there is a song that everyone must sing but that is a story for another day).
I love my family and I know my family loves me. However, if your family is anything like mine, Thanksgiving and other holidays include a few conversational land mines. On the heels of such a contentious election season I am sure this holiday season will be no exception. When it comes to politics, my family is all over the map and everyone has their “hot button” issue. It may be tempting, and I have had the thought, to sit this holiday season out and have a nice quiet evening at home with my partner who I agree with on most issues. This would be giving into my anxiety. So, what’s my goal? I want to spend time with my family at the holidays but I don’t want to have it spoiled by my anger.
Practically speaking I could avoid bringing up any of the “hot button” issues. This would be a great strategy if I was the moderator of our family conversation but unfortunately I have not been given that power in my family. Knowing my brothers, they are likely to bring up some of these issues that we disagree on and remind me of their viewpoint. What are the beliefs that are likely to make me angry in this situation? Most of my beliefs that make me angry involve demands: My brothers and I have the same parents and therefore we should agree on the importance of these issues. They should know why their view is wrong and should agree with me and my viewpoint. They should respect me and know that their viewpoint says that they don’t respect me. They should just listen to me because I am older and wiser. They shouldn’t be so stubborn!!!
My goal is to enjoy my time with my family during Thanksgiving, even if my brothers bring up politics, but the beliefs I have above make me angry and aren’t helping me achieve my goal. What can I do to change these beliefs and so I think in a way that won’t get me angry? My demands are preferences and I have known my brothers for a long time and just because I think they should think a certain way doesn’t mean they have to. They have always had their own opinion on issues and after all these years what makes me think I can force them to think a certain way. I would prefer if they listened to me and agreed with me on some of the issues but just because they don’t doesn’t mean they don’t love or respect me. We may not agree on politics but when we are not talking about politics we really get along and have a lot in common.
I expect there will be some challenging moments this holiday season for myself and many others. Changing my demands to preferences is one strategy that may help these relationships survive. I am grateful that I have a family who is passionate about their beliefs but also the skills to deal with their passionate arguments.
Happy Thanksgiving!
