By Dan Prendergast, M.A.
I have come to believe that there is often an important link between particular anxieties and an individual’s values, and that if recognized this link can frequently be used such that we act on values instead of from an anxious place. For instance, some people worry about being late because they value being on time, or have anxiety about rejection because they value a relationship. People commonly have values related to aspects of life such as relationships, family, career, academics, health, wealth, well-being, appearances to others, adherence to a moral or ethical code, or any number of other aspects of living. Anxieties related to these values may lead us to worry about losing our friends and loved ones, failing at our vocation, becoming infirm, doing embarrassing or shameful things, and as this story often ends, dying poor and alone in a van down by the river.
So why is it important to link our values to our anxieties and vice versa? The answer starts by recognizing that consequences that stem from our beliefs about life situations are not just emotional, but often have a behavioral component. This means that when we are anxious, we are probably also doing things that are largely attributable to our anxious state. Some people seek reassurance from others that their worst fears aren’t coming true, some avoid certain situations, some check obsessively, and some behave desperately or seek solutions to their problems that very often aren’t viable or realistic. To borrow language from the legal field, I think of these behaviors as “fruit of the poison tree.” By this I mean that because behaviors related to anxiety are products of our imperfect perceptions and irrational beliefs, they rarely generate a good solution and often end up reinforcing anxiety.
Instead of acting from an anxious place, perhaps it is more effective to recognize and act on the values that are linked to anxiety in a certain situation. I think that this simple reframing can change our behaviors from avoidance of an imagined negative outcome to the pursuit of something more constructive. To illustrate this, imagine two kids on the first day of school. The first kid, Tom, believes that he absolutely must be liked, or else he is the worst loser on the planet. Tom makes himself quite anxious and engages in attention seeking, asks friends incessantly whether other kids like him, and tries to read into the behavior of other kids to see if they do indeed have a good opinion of him. Tom’s behavior results from his demanding belief (I absolutely must be liked), which won’t decrease his anxiety, and it might alienate his peers and take his attention away from schoolwork.
Jerry feels just as eager as Tom to be liked, and for the sake of argument has just as much anxiety about being rejected. However, instead of trying to avoid rejection that he ultimately cannot control, Jerry focuses on the fact that he values having friends. After reframing his anxiety in terms of his values, Jerry invited several peers to his birthday party and joined a sports team to make new friends. The difference between Tom and Jerry is a very subtle reframing of the same problem, but it has resulted in two very different problem-solving strategies, and two different behavioral sets. One kid is avoiding a negative outcome, while another is working to attain a positive outcome. In REBT terms, we are talking about changing a behavioral consequence of an irrational belief to a behavioral expression of a personal value that is positive, productive, and unlikely to reinforce anxiety.
Is every form of anxiety always linked to a value? Are values always easy to uncover and work towards? Is it always clear what behaviors are most adaptive and value based? Perhaps not. However, when a link between the two is apparent, recognizing it can help break cognitive, emotional and behavioral patterns that aren’t working.