by Deniz Sidali, M.A.

While I was working at a clinic specializing in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a few of my colleagues remarked about how many of their clients would obsess and ruminate about their former significant others even years after the dissolution of their relationship.  It was observed that not only would these clients spend excessive time thinking about their former love interests but they would do so with much passion expressing remorse, contempt, bitterness, hatred, despondency, and sorrow.  These individuals would discuss details about their past relationship and/or significant other as though they were still romantically involved with the other person. After some contemplation, I hypothesized that these individuals continue to think irrationally and feel unhealthy negative emotions about their past relations as a means of holding onto these former love interests and as a means to try and exert control over the failed relationship. Although it may not feel comfortable and it could be upsetting for the individual reliving their failed relationships, it could become a habit which is ingrained in the persons’ daily lives. And experiencing strong unhealthy emotions may color the person’s perspective and make them believe their thoughts are rational or justified when they may not be. The person may carve out time to discuss their former love interest with their therapist, friends, or family which maintains this unhealthy pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving. Friends may reinforce this pattern of ruminating unhealthily and sharing negative feelings by reinforcing these thoughts and feelings by being empathic saying, “I know just how you feel. You poor thing. That rotten scoundrel. Don’t worry. Karma will get him/her”.  There also may be intermittent reinforcement involved as well.  For instance, if one of your friends gets tired of listening to you talk about your ex, you can always find another avid listener ready to fill their shoes. When the person ruminates out loud or obsesses about their former love interest, they may feel better temporarily. However, obsessing over this former love interest becomes stronger over time and the negative emotions may intensify. The scorned partner fails to consider an alternative, possibly more realistic interpretation of the failed relationship such as, “Maybe we were better suited as friends rather than a couple”, “Although I would have preferred to still be in a relationship with Romeo/Juliet, sometimes people just grow apart and it isn’t anyone’s fault”. Or, maybe you like the idea of being in a relationship with that person, but deep down you truly know that they were not meant for you or you for them. And that passion in a relationship isn’t the only ingredient necessary to build and maintain a healthy, long lasting relationship. Unconditional acceptance of life, self and the other person involved can help you get through a break-up by accepting without liking the fact that you are no longer together. So the next time you find yourself thinking about your ex or scorning their existence, ask yourself if it is necessary, whether it will be helpful or hurtful, and what purpose it serves you.

Deniz Sidali, M.A.