by Jennifer Shindman, Psy.D.
Yesterday night, I was excited to get home and watch a TV show that I recorded on my DVR. About thirty minutes in however, I realized that I was not at all paying attention to the show, and rather thinking about all of the things I had to do the next day and checking my emails. What is interesting is that I really do love this show, but I had difficulty being in the moment and watching it; I had to rewind and start from the beginning, which I guess was really no big deal.
However, there are times where my difficulty attending or being mindful (paying attention on purpose) has really interfered with my enjoying some great things. About a month ago, I attended my doctoral hooding ceremony, something I have been looking forward to since I put my applications in the mail in 2009. But fast forward six years, and the moment was not how I pictured it at all. I was too caught up with worrying that I would fall in my heels, that I would not hand over my hood properly to my mentor, and that my family was sitting too far away to snap a good picture. I worried that I would stand in the wrong spot or walk just a few seconds too early. And while I was worrying, the moment came and went. The moment that I have anxiously awaited for six years came and went, and I missed it. Where was I? I was too wrapped up catastrophizing about slipping in my heels and worrying that others would think that I was a fool if I messed something up.
Thankfully, I am not looking at the past and getting angry with myself about something I cannot change, but I am concerned that I will miss other important events in my life. Thus, I have begun to make a list of ways that I could be there, physically and mentally. This paying attention on purpose thing is not so easy after all.
Step 1: Awareness Training– Whenever I feel a negative emotion, healthy or unhealthy, I examine it. What am I thinking? Am I evaluating my thoughts and judging them? What am I doing at this moment? How are my thoughts related to the task at hand? If my thoughts and emotions are related to whatever I am involved in at the moment, great! If, on the other hand, I notice that I am somewhere else, I will defer to step two.
Step 2: Re-focus– First, I take one to five slow deep breaths and focus on the air entering my lungs and exiting through my mouth. This helps to align my mind with my body, which in turn puts me in a better place to absorb my environment or engage in whatever I am doing.
Step 3: Be kind– This is no easy task. I do not judge myself if it is difficult to get back to the moment. It is okay if I have trouble leaving behind whatever it is that was distracting me. This is just a signal that I need to keep trying. I understand that it will not always work.
Step 4: Practice– As my goal is to “be there” more often, and I understand that the more important the event, the harder this will be, it is important to practice more often. I will practice three to five times every day even when I do not feel a negative emotion, and I will use my negative emotions as a signal indicating that I need to practice.
Again, this is no easy task, so I will be compassionate with myself when I mess up. Try it out for yourselves. See if you could count to 10 (slowly) without any extraneous thoughts entering your mind, and see how far you get. If not far, then maybe you could improve by following the above mentioned steps!
