by Mark Schiffman, M.S.
I once had a professor in college who repeatedly reminded us from day one and continually throughout the semester, in his memorable threatening voice, that if we didn’t remember x, y, or z fact, “YOU WILL FAIL!” I just heard about a first grade student who came home worrying to her parents that despite her good grades she will have to repeat first grade because her teacher keeps telling all of the students that if they do badly they will have to repeat the grade.
What was your reaction to these stories? Did they conjure up memories from childhood, or perhaps remind you of your current situation in college, graduate school, work, or home? How do you react to teachers, bosses, or parents who use this style? Do you become motivated to succeed or overly anxious?
In REBT we distinguish between the emotions of anxiety and concern. Anxiety is an unhealthy negative emotion that could be physiologically overwhelming and debilitating and its presence can make it much harder for us to reach our goals (like passing a class). Concern on the other hand is a healthy negative emotion. Its presence might not be pleasant but it can motivate us to reach our goals. Anxiety would be generated if we think in this situation something along the lines of “I MUST not fail. It would be terrible and awful if I fail. I am a complete and total failure if I fail. I CANNOT stand if I fail.” Concern on the other hand would be generated if we think in this situation something along the lines of “I would prefer to not fail, but it would not be completely terrible and awful if I did. Even if I do fail, that would not mean that I am a failure as a human being, and I would be able to tolerate failure.”
If we react with anxiety when a teacher/boss/parent uses an overly harsh threatening style, our reaction may be that they should change their style to be less threatening. While that may be nice, it is unlikely that they will, and even if they do, we will eventually meet someone else with the same style that won’t. We would be better off changing the way we think about situations like these from the anxiety provoking line of thinking to one more in line with concern.
