by Fabian Agiurgioaei, M.S.
We love to talk. We talk all the time: on the phone, to each other, we Tweet, we post comments on Facebook, we send e-mails, and some people speak even in their sleep.
Spoken language is probably the most human characteristic that separates us from other species, a wonderful asset that helps us communicate our feelings, express our love, bond with people, encourage others or express our gratitude. Nevertheless, words may easily become a dangerous device used to create emotional traps, confusion and suffering. Just remember the last time someone told you something that hurt! However, even more important is the way we talk to ourselves. Although people around us are not usually aware of our internal dialogue, it has a tremendous impact on how we think, feel and behave in our everyday life.
According to the REBT principles, awareness of the internal dialogue represents a cornerstone of the emotional wellbeing and a “must-have” in the change process. For example, remember a recent situation when you made yourself feel very depressed or very angry! For example, that time when you were not invited to a party, or when someone pushed you in the subway. Now, try to recall what you were telling yourself! What words, what tone (in your mind, of course) did you use? Was it something like “Nobody likes me! They all ignore me! I am a total failure and a worthless person!” Maybe it was something more like “I hate these people! I cannot stand these rude people pushing me around! It’s so awful how they treat me!” Well, some people are not aware how they talk to themselves, and very often, it is because they are too busy talking to others and trying to “fix” them. So what does REBT teaches us? What can we do!
First, I would suggest you to turn off your cell phone (yes, you can stand it!), and go to a quiet park and do nothing, just sit there. In the beginning, it will be so difficult to hear anything other than planes or street noises. However, after about 20-30 minutes, if you can still stand it, you may hear your own internal dialogue (maybe for the first time). That is self-awareness. If you managed to do it, you took a big step toward identifying those rigid and unhealthy irrational self-statements that made you feel so angry or depressed. Try it right now! There is no “golden” technique to do it, you need no manual and it is free. All you need is a little solitude, a grain of awareness and some patience. A patch of green grass and a blue sky may help a little!
Hoping you will find the opportunity to do this, maybe next time, we will learn strategies to help you change this internal dialogue and eventually make you feel better and enjoy life more. As Ellis put it, you will learn “how to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything: yes, anything.”