by Fabian Boie, M.S.
Far from twisting Hamlet’s quest for existence, I recommend you continue our exploration in the hidden nature of self-talk and this time look at how a two-letter word could mess with your mind and feelings.
Could you imagine a conversation without using the verb to be? Yes, it is possible. It is called E-Prime. Google it! We use this verb all the time as in “He is smart”; “She is so impatient”; “She is good”, etc. It gets even more damaging when we talk this way to ourselves and say “I am bad” or “I am a failure”, “I am stupid” etc. We do this as if “smartness” or “badness” is in you and defines you entirely. Is that true? Maybe you have a whole list of features you think you are at any given moment. However, are you really just that? Let’s look at it!
When we say we are something, and we believe it, we rate our being, instead of our actions. In REBT this is called self-rating (or other ratings) and usually leads to an irrational thinking error, technically called overgeneralization. If I do something good today, then logically I must BE good. Then, I anxiously strive to maintain that positive self-image, and not mess things up. All is OK as long as we act in healthy, rational ways, but things change easily in life, don’t they? When you fail to achieve that status, such as when you do not meet that deadline, or take the garbage out (or even worse, forget your anniversary), then you will automatically tend to rate yourself as BEING…..bad. It may seem logical to do that, but it is very lousy logic and leads to useless emotional suffering.
“To be or not to be-that is the question.” We should use neither and only refer to our actions, to what we do, not to what we are or must be. As Ellis described it, we consistently act in fallible ways, so striving to be (and stay) good or smart is virtually impossible. We fail at some point. However, if we become aware of our self-talk and rate our actions instead of ourselves, then we may experience less anxiety, judge others less and enjoy life more. After all, it is not about what you are or not, but is about what you do with your life!
To prove that we can communicate without using at all the two words, I will write this last sentence in E-prime and challenge you to do the same with your next text message, Tweet or Facebook comment. Let me know how it goes!