by Mary Russell, M.S.
At one point or another we have all felt hurt, betrayed, or disappointed by someone. It has happened before and we can almost guarantee that it will happen again in some form or another. Hurt, betrayal, and disappointment are inevitable – side effects of living in a social world and letting people into our lives.
When others behave in a way that hurts us we have a choice about how much we will allow their behavior to effect us. More specifically, we can choose to play the event over and over in our heads and ruminate about how a person should not have acted the way he/she did. We can tell ourselves they are horrible and awful people for doing so and demand an apology or restitution for what they did. Such thoughts are fuel for feeling not just disappointed or irritated, but angry, bitter, and even hateful. Moreover, our thoughts and emotions may drive us to seek revenge – possibly doing things we might regret. In a nutshell, not only did someone lead us to experience pain but our hatred, anger, and bitterness towards that person can prolong and even magnify our pain. Instead of moving on and using the precious time we have to enjoy our lives, we often choose to spend our time ruminating and feeling angry with someone else. Rarely, if ever does our anger hurt the other person though it almost always hurts us. Buddha may have put it best when he said, “holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
So what solution is there? One option is forgiveness. If you’re cringing at this thought, you’re not alone – victims of other people’s bad behavior often react to this idea with loathing. Why would you forgive someone who did something inexcusable, may have deliberately hurt you, or didn’t consider how his or her behavior may affect you? Perhaps you think the idea of forgiveness implies your transgressor’s behavior was excusable – even acceptable. Quite the opposite; forgiveness has nothing to with the acceptability of a behavior. Simply, forgiveness involves acknowledging that while a person may have behaved in an unacceptable way, he or she is human and prone to making mistakes and bad choices. You can forgive them for making a bad decision – ALL human beings are fallible and this means they are at risk for making very big mistakes. You don’t need to love them or even like them, but giving up your hatred for them will be the first step in taking control of how you feel and not allowing your feelings to be at the mercy of someone else’s behavior.
Through forgiveness, we choose to let go of our bitterness and resentment and allow ourselves more time and energy to enjoy the here and now. Indeed, disappointment is an inevitable part of life but we can choose to see it as a part of life, rather than cling to it and make it our entire life.