by Kristina Wilder, M.S.
I recently found myself a victim of the A-C connection. Fortunately, my lapse in my Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy memory can serve to help illustrate an important principle for REBT and Cognitive Behavior Therapy as a whole.
Let me set the scene. I do most of my holiday shopping online. I find it a good way to take advantage of sales, and it is often easier for me to buy gifts for people not living in the same state because of shipping. A package I had ordered as a Christmas gift was delivered Monday; but, instead of arriving in a non-descript box as I expected, the item was delivered in a box clearly stating the gift inside. The intended gift recipient got the box, and instead of a surprise gift, he now knows what he is getting.
And I felt frustrated, and started down the wrong path… the A-C path. “They screwed up delivery. Why couldn’t they package it in an unlabeled box? They make me so angry.” Unfortunately, I was not yet wise to my error. I went full speed ahead assuming that someone else was to blame and someone else was responsible for the frustration I was feeling. I contacted the shipper, letting them know they had mailed the package with the item name clearly visible on the outside. When talking to the representative, he started to patronize me and dismissed my concerns. Then I told myself, “He made me even more upset.”
Fortunately for me, when I heard myself say “He made me even more upset” out loud I realized what I (not he) had done wrong. I was making the A-C connection assumption. I took a step back. Really, I was making myself upset. The representative wasn’t “making me even more upset,” I was upsetting myself telling myself things like “He should be treating me nicely and not act like he’s better than me.”
So, try to benefit from my mistake. Next time you find yourself all upset and irritated (especially if you are holiday shopping) take a step back. It is easier to look at the person or situation as the one to blame, but really, our thoughts are the culprit. That ends up being a good thing, however, because unlike the situation or person, we can change how we think. I can’t get the customer service representative to stop acting in a patronizing manner, but I can stop telling myself that he should treat me nicely.
As the holidays get closer it is likely many of us will have to deal with many more situations that have the potential to have thoughts that lead to emotions like frustration, anger, anxiety, and/or depression. Try to be more mindful than I proved to be when dealing with my shipping mix-up. This will help us to enjoy our time as much as possible.