by Fabian Boie, M.S.
We just celebrated Thanksgiving- a time to be grateful for everything we have and to recognize the blessings in our lives. We again rediscovered the faces, the voices and the warm touch of our loved ones, but not through a 8.2 Megapixel camera, not through a two-way video-call, but the good, old-fashioned way: around the Thanksgiving dinner table.
However, it also was that time of year when people go shopping! Every year I am puzzled at how quickly the media shifts our mindset from thankfulness to emptiness. Instead of enjoying and appreciating what we already have, we dive into a frenzied race for more. We all seek that fleeting squirt of gratification in our tired and bored brains.
Amid countless commercials, coupons and hypnotizing invitations for discounted Black Friday deals, I found it almost impossible to resist the temptation. In fact, this year it even started on Thursday evening, so that you go and grab that 42” 3D flat screen TV instead of chatting with your mother over some pumpkin pie or play with your dog after dinner.
But what does Seneca have to do with Black Friday? It is not because his stoic philosophy is one of the very pillars of REBT and one of Albert Ellis’ favorite thinkers. It is because Black Friday reminds us that self-control is the most difficult task we can imagine. Finding the strength to resist your urges when everything is virtually at the tip of your fingers is immensely difficult. Advertising executives know how to implant in our heads false needs and “Must have” items without which we will be unhappy. Our rational thinking process is hijacked and we lose control over our spending. Does this sound familiar? Well this year, the average shopper spent about $423.00 during the Black Friday weekend, while the online figures went well over 1 billion dollars! Nevertheless, are we happier? We certainly get a momentary bliss of pleasure when opening the box, but check back with you in a few minutes, hours or a few days later. Is it still there?
Most of us lost the strength to say “no”; to master our own urges. We want something and we want it now! The danger is that we can (almost always) get our instant gratifications met. Slowly, our self-control erodes and we give in to our frustration intolerance and demands. Pick something and test it out! You may pick a personal “need”, such as the hourly check of your Facebook account, e-mail inbox, or cell phone (yes, you can live without it!). Then stop yourself from satisfying that urge! Can you do it?
For example, open a bag of your favorite cookies or a box of ice cream and put it on the table. Look at it, smell the flavor, feel the texture and be aware of your emotions and thoughts: “Come on, just one bite! You should have it! Yummy- it looks so good! You deserve it!” Resist the temptation and be aware of the urge to meet your “need”. Then, slowly put it back in the fridge and think about the experience. How did it feel? If you do this, you will empower yourself to override your impulses, make rational decisions and boost tolerance for frustration. Gradually, you will learn that there are only very few things you really need in order to be happy, and they are usually simple and free. Try it out and you will find the truth in Seneca’s assertion that “To rule yourself is the ultimate power”.