By Eric Sudler, M.S.
So, about a year ago, I wrote a blog about not having a car and how I chose to perceive that situation would dictate how I experienced the situation. Now, do not get me wrong, I am well aware of the fact that there are much worse things that one could experience in life than not having a car. However, it was a daily annoyance in my life and since I’ve been living in this city, I find that New York transportation woes are a recurring topic of annoyance for a lot of New Yorkers. Each day the bus or train is 15 minutes late or I arrive at the stop to have the doors slammed in my face, my progress in challenging my irrational beliefs is reset to zero.
If you live and work in Manhattan, not having a car may not be as life altering as I make it sound. However, I live in a quiet area of Queens and hold different positions at different sites around Queens in addition to coming into the Albert Ellis Institute a couple times each week. Needless to say, I was late to my various sites last year more than I have ever been in my entire life.
In the beginning, it was hard for me to accept my situation and there was not much rational thinking going on in my head. It took a lot of cognitive restructuring, but I eventually was able to focus more on the positive while not ignoring the negative, but rather accepting it. I lost weight due to the increased amount of walking each day as well as saving tons of money on gas, oil changes, and other car maintenance. Sure, I didn’t have complete control over when I arrived or departed places, but where is it written that I should be able to come and go when I please in order to function happily? Besides, I had been through much worse scenarios in my life making this situation seem trivial. I can think of plenty of friends and colleagues who endure much worse (2.5 hour daily commutes each way). So my 1 hour commute wasn’t that bad. They were only bad when I felt as though I shouldn’t have to endure this inconvenience.
I can’t explain how helpful playing the above record in my head was for me during the past year. It was a slow process mentally, but in the end, moving towards acceptance at a snail’s pace was better than not moving at all. I find that all too often, people in my life are not content with the rate of their progress in regards to their disturbing thoughts or circumstances in their lives. I always ask if they would prefer to get there slowly or not at all? Forward progress is a good thing whether it is at supersonic speed or a snail’s pace. Ironically, the more you let go and focus on accepting situations that you cannot change, the faster you will get past the irrational beliefs. Acceptance was the accelerator pedal to reaching my goal of not disturbing myself over my situation. Irrational beliefs were the breaks and I was continuously slamming on the breaks every day.
It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago a friend asked me about my car situation and if I was going to be getting a new one any time soon. I replied that I did not have any intentions (or funds) to get a new car any time soon. I explained to my friend that “I would prefer to have a car, but I’ve been getting along fine without one. There are many people who have to endure much worse transportation issues than me each day, so I should count my blessings. Plus, I’m saving money and kind of enjoy walking.”
However, for the first time since I lost my car… I actually and truly believed what I was saying. So this was acceptance? Slowly changing the record in my head each day had paid off. At that point, I still did not have a car, but I was fine with it. Despite constant reminders every day of how much more convenient my life would be with one, I had finally overcome my rigid demands and disturbing beliefs.
As a follow-up, towards the end of February 2013, I received a call from my dad stating that he had gotten a new car and had no more use for his old car. Just like that, after about a year, I had another car. Wow… I guess good things do happen when you finally reach acceptance. A week later, I got my first ticket since becoming a motorist again. You’d be surprised to know that I couldn’t be happier much to the police officer’s surprise. I’m surprised he didn’t give me a sobriety test the way I happily accepted the responsibilities of a motorist.